Have you anxiously waited for a certain day or an exciting event, to have it f-i-n-a-l-l-y come. Well, today's a big day for me. Today, I get to speak with my birth mother for the first time. Right now, as I type, it's 2:10 p.m. My heart is beating a mile a minute, my hands are sweaty, my knees are weak, but I am excited.
What am I going to say??
How am I going to share how much my life has changed since my last blog entry so long ago?
I don't know, but ask me after 9:00 p.m. and I'll let you know how it went.
Thanks God!! You knew that before 2:00 today, the load I was carrying was more than I could handle. I love you!!
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Proud
My heart is full of emotion as I write this devotion. Throughout this week as I've shared with hurting people, my mind remembers circumstances in my past that have brought me to this place. Hurts that have wounded me deeply and pains that have inflicted my inner being. Nonetheless, it is by these wounds, and through these hurts, that have molded me into who I am today.
I think about others, how their circumstances seem and even feel, and my heart is heavy for the road that must be walked. I know, all too well, how it feels to be a current Wife of a student in Teen Challenge; I also know what it's like to be a Completed Student's Wife.
. . . times of waiting . . . tests of courage . . . feelings of hopelessness . . .
BUT, I'm gently reminded to place my feelings under the Authority of the Word of God. Romans 8:28 (NIV) says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Here's a secret: ALL means ALL. God works through every detail, each circumstance, every trial . . . ALL things!
God is in control during the wait; He's the Lord of the Gap; He's the Strength in the test of courage; He's the Hope in the hopelessness; He's the Calm in the storm; He's the Peace amidst the chaos. If you're searching for an answer, He's the perfect fit.
It's through Him that I can honestly share how proud I am of each of us. Walking this out takes integrity, courage and strength. I understand there is not a day that goes by where we are not tested. However, I have NEVER known strength like I see in Wives who determine to stand beside their husbands as they work alongside the Lord, and each other, to commit to working through issues and circumstances that arise.
A few weeks ago I attended a Jason Upton concert. Jason shared a song that he sings over his children as they go to bed at night. Then, he sang it again and told us to insert our name. It was humbling to think of the Lord singing this over us as His children, but it is so true! The lyrics are:
I am so proud of you!
I'm so proud of you!
_____, I'm so proud of you!
I am so proud of you!
I'm so proud of you!
_____, I'm so proud of you!
I'm proud of you when you are sleeping,
I'm proud of you when you're awake,
I'm proud of you when you are trying,
'cause trying makes lots of mistakes.
This is how I feel about EACH of you!! But much more importantly than that, this is how God feels about you!! YOU are PRECIOUS to Him! I encourage you to sing/speak this over yourselves, your children, and even your husband, daily. God is PROUD of you!! My prayer is that you are encouraged today in whatever circumstance you are facing.
In closing, re-read Romans 8:28, (the verse from above), this time in the Message version: Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
I think about others, how their circumstances seem and even feel, and my heart is heavy for the road that must be walked. I know, all too well, how it feels to be a current Wife of a student in Teen Challenge; I also know what it's like to be a Completed Student's Wife.
. . . times of waiting . . . tests of courage . . . feelings of hopelessness . . .
BUT, I'm gently reminded to place my feelings under the Authority of the Word of God. Romans 8:28 (NIV) says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Here's a secret: ALL means ALL. God works through every detail, each circumstance, every trial . . . ALL things!
God is in control during the wait; He's the Lord of the Gap; He's the Strength in the test of courage; He's the Hope in the hopelessness; He's the Calm in the storm; He's the Peace amidst the chaos. If you're searching for an answer, He's the perfect fit.
It's through Him that I can honestly share how proud I am of each of us. Walking this out takes integrity, courage and strength. I understand there is not a day that goes by where we are not tested. However, I have NEVER known strength like I see in Wives who determine to stand beside their husbands as they work alongside the Lord, and each other, to commit to working through issues and circumstances that arise.
A few weeks ago I attended a Jason Upton concert. Jason shared a song that he sings over his children as they go to bed at night. Then, he sang it again and told us to insert our name. It was humbling to think of the Lord singing this over us as His children, but it is so true! The lyrics are:
I am so proud of you!
I'm so proud of you!
_____, I'm so proud of you!
I am so proud of you!
I'm so proud of you!
_____, I'm so proud of you!
I'm proud of you when you are sleeping,
I'm proud of you when you're awake,
I'm proud of you when you are trying,
'cause trying makes lots of mistakes.
This is how I feel about EACH of you!! But much more importantly than that, this is how God feels about you!! YOU are PRECIOUS to Him! I encourage you to sing/speak this over yourselves, your children, and even your husband, daily. God is PROUD of you!! My prayer is that you are encouraged today in whatever circumstance you are facing.
In closing, re-read Romans 8:28, (the verse from above), this time in the Message version: Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Heart Conditions
My husband and I were out for a walk late Sunday night. It was almost 8:00 p.m. and it was dark outside. As we were headed back into our neighborhood, the headlights of an approaching car pointed out an animal off the side of the road. It was a possum. I laughed at how cute it was lying on the grass, blinking it's eyes and "playing dead," but as we walked closer, it began to roll back and forth, it's mouth opening and closing as if to cry out in pain, gasping for breath. It had been hit by a car and was actually dying in front of our eyes.
I began to cry as I felt so sorry for this animal. In silence, we walked away and continued on our journey home, but thoughts began to flood my mind. Thoughts like how many times I had accidentally hit an animal and drove on by, not giving a second thought about the scene I had just taken in. Thought's about how this little guy, gross as the situation was, could be taking it's last breath at that very moment with no one noticing.
We continued our walk together, hand in hand, with the only sound being the sound of my tears and runny nose.
Then, the sound of my husband's voice broke the silence. His words were direct, yet the heaviness of the truth he spoke penetrated my heart.
"That is what people saw in me, Jody. Some people saw that I was dying, gasping for air, and turned away. But, other's saw potential in me; they saw hope that I couldn't see. Because of God's love that they had experienced, they stood by me and loved me through the garbage in my life. That's what I see in others. There are people struggling in their lives everyday. Are we going to be people that will just walk on by, or will we be people that help others get back up?"
How about you? Has the Lord done something in your life that you can share with others to encourage them? Personally, I have found that because I have walked through seasons of hurt, despair and addiction, God has given me a deeper compassion for desperate people who are in pain and desire change.
I read the following story the day after the "possum event" happened. I believe it fits perfect with this devotion and further drives this point home. I pray that everyday, we ask God for His eyes to see others how He sees them and not look at their outward appearance.
1 Samuel 16:7: The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
THE OLD FISHERMAN
Our house was directly across the street from the clinic entrance of Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore. We lived downstairs and rented the upstairs rooms to out-patients at the Clinic.
One summer evening as I was fixing supper, there was a knock at the door. I opened it to see a truly awful looking man. 'Why, he's hardly taller than my eight-year-old,' I thought as I stared at the stooped, shriveled body.
But the appalling thing was his face, lopsided from swelling, red and raw. Yet his voice was pleasant as he said, 'Good evening. I've come to see if you've a room for just one night.
I came for a treatment this morning from the eastern shore, And there's no bus 'till morning.'
He told me he'd been hunting for a room since noon, but with no success; no one seemed to have a room. 'I guess it's my face. I know it looks terrible, but my doctor says with a few more treatments...??..'
For a moment I hesitated, but his next words convinced me: 'I could sleep in this rocking chair on the porch. My bus leaves early in the morning.' I told him we would find him a bed, but to rest on the porch. I went inside and finished getting supper. When we were ready, I asked the old man if he would join us.
'No thank you. I have plenty' And he held up a brown paper bag.
When I had finished the dishes, I went out on the porch to talk with him a few minutes. It didn't take a long time to see that this old man had an oversized heart crowded into that tiny body.
He told me he fished for a living to support his daughter, her five children and her husband, who was hopelessly crippled from a back injury. He didn't tell it by way of complaint; in fact, every other sentence was prefaced with thanks to God for a blessing.
He was grateful that no pain accompanied his disease, which was apparently a form of skin cancer. He thanked God for giving him the strength to keep going.
At bedtime, we put a camp cot in the children's room for him. When I got up in the morning, the bed linens were neatly folded, and the little man was out on the porch.
He refused breakfast, but just before he left for his bus, haltingly, as if asking a great favor, he said, 'Could I please come back and stay the next time I have a treatment? I won't put you out a bit. I can sleep fine in a chair.'
He paused a moment and then added, 'Your children made me feel at home. Grownups are bothered by my face, but children don't seem to mind.'
I told him he was welcome to come again. And on his next trip he arrived a little after seven in the morning. As a gift, he brought a big fish and a quart of the largest oysters I had ever seen. He said he had shucked them that morning before he left so that they'd be nice and fresh.
I knew his bus left at 4a.m., and I wondered what time he had to get up in order to do this for us.
Through the years he came to stay overnight with us many times. And there was never a time that he did not bring us fish or oysters or vegetables from his garden.
Other times we received packages in the mail, always by special delivery; fish and oysters packed in a box of fresh young spinach or kale, every leaf carefully washed. Knowing that he must walk three miles to mail these and knowing how little money he had made, the gifts were doubly precious.
When I received these little remembrances, I often thought of a comment our next-door neighbor made after he left that first morning. 'Did you keep that awful looking man last night? I turned him away! You can lose roomers by putting up such people!'
Maybe we did lose roomers once or twice. But, oh! If only they could have known him, perhaps their illness would have been easier to bear. I know our family always will be grateful to have known him; from him we learned how to accept the bad without complaint and the good with gratitude to God.
Recently I was visiting a friend who has a greenhouse. As she showed me her flowers, we came to the most beautiful one of all, a golden chrysanthemum, bursting with blooms. But to my great surprise, it was growing in an old dented, ugly, rusty bucket.
I thought to myself, 'If this were my plant, I'd put it in the loveliest container I had!'
My friend soon changed my mind.
'I ran short of pots,' she explained, 'and knowing how beautiful this one would be, I thought it wouldn't mind starting out in this old pail. It's just for a little while, till I find it's place in the garden.' She must have wondered why I laughed so delightedly, but I was imagining just such a scene in heaven.....an especially beautiful scene where God might have said when He came to the soul of the sweet old fisherman....
'He won't mind starting in this small body till he's ready for his place in My Garden.'
All this happened long ago -- and now, in God's garden, how tall this lovely soul must stand.
The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.
I began to cry as I felt so sorry for this animal. In silence, we walked away and continued on our journey home, but thoughts began to flood my mind. Thoughts like how many times I had accidentally hit an animal and drove on by, not giving a second thought about the scene I had just taken in. Thought's about how this little guy, gross as the situation was, could be taking it's last breath at that very moment with no one noticing.
We continued our walk together, hand in hand, with the only sound being the sound of my tears and runny nose.
Then, the sound of my husband's voice broke the silence. His words were direct, yet the heaviness of the truth he spoke penetrated my heart.
"That is what people saw in me, Jody. Some people saw that I was dying, gasping for air, and turned away. But, other's saw potential in me; they saw hope that I couldn't see. Because of God's love that they had experienced, they stood by me and loved me through the garbage in my life. That's what I see in others. There are people struggling in their lives everyday. Are we going to be people that will just walk on by, or will we be people that help others get back up?"
How about you? Has the Lord done something in your life that you can share with others to encourage them? Personally, I have found that because I have walked through seasons of hurt, despair and addiction, God has given me a deeper compassion for desperate people who are in pain and desire change.
I read the following story the day after the "possum event" happened. I believe it fits perfect with this devotion and further drives this point home. I pray that everyday, we ask God for His eyes to see others how He sees them and not look at their outward appearance.
1 Samuel 16:7: The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
THE OLD FISHERMAN
Our house was directly across the street from the clinic entrance of Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore. We lived downstairs and rented the upstairs rooms to out-patients at the Clinic.
One summer evening as I was fixing supper, there was a knock at the door. I opened it to see a truly awful looking man. 'Why, he's hardly taller than my eight-year-old,' I thought as I stared at the stooped, shriveled body.
But the appalling thing was his face, lopsided from swelling, red and raw. Yet his voice was pleasant as he said, 'Good evening. I've come to see if you've a room for just one night.
I came for a treatment this morning from the eastern shore, And there's no bus 'till morning.'
He told me he'd been hunting for a room since noon, but with no success; no one seemed to have a room. 'I guess it's my face. I know it looks terrible, but my doctor says with a few more treatments...??..'
For a moment I hesitated, but his next words convinced me: 'I could sleep in this rocking chair on the porch. My bus leaves early in the morning.' I told him we would find him a bed, but to rest on the porch. I went inside and finished getting supper. When we were ready, I asked the old man if he would join us.
'No thank you. I have plenty' And he held up a brown paper bag.
When I had finished the dishes, I went out on the porch to talk with him a few minutes. It didn't take a long time to see that this old man had an oversized heart crowded into that tiny body.
He told me he fished for a living to support his daughter, her five children and her husband, who was hopelessly crippled from a back injury. He didn't tell it by way of complaint; in fact, every other sentence was prefaced with thanks to God for a blessing.
He was grateful that no pain accompanied his disease, which was apparently a form of skin cancer. He thanked God for giving him the strength to keep going.
At bedtime, we put a camp cot in the children's room for him. When I got up in the morning, the bed linens were neatly folded, and the little man was out on the porch.
He refused breakfast, but just before he left for his bus, haltingly, as if asking a great favor, he said, 'Could I please come back and stay the next time I have a treatment? I won't put you out a bit. I can sleep fine in a chair.'
He paused a moment and then added, 'Your children made me feel at home. Grownups are bothered by my face, but children don't seem to mind.'
I told him he was welcome to come again. And on his next trip he arrived a little after seven in the morning. As a gift, he brought a big fish and a quart of the largest oysters I had ever seen. He said he had shucked them that morning before he left so that they'd be nice and fresh.
I knew his bus left at 4a.m., and I wondered what time he had to get up in order to do this for us.
Through the years he came to stay overnight with us many times. And there was never a time that he did not bring us fish or oysters or vegetables from his garden.
Other times we received packages in the mail, always by special delivery; fish and oysters packed in a box of fresh young spinach or kale, every leaf carefully washed. Knowing that he must walk three miles to mail these and knowing how little money he had made, the gifts were doubly precious.
When I received these little remembrances, I often thought of a comment our next-door neighbor made after he left that first morning. 'Did you keep that awful looking man last night? I turned him away! You can lose roomers by putting up such people!'
Maybe we did lose roomers once or twice. But, oh! If only they could have known him, perhaps their illness would have been easier to bear. I know our family always will be grateful to have known him; from him we learned how to accept the bad without complaint and the good with gratitude to God.
Recently I was visiting a friend who has a greenhouse. As she showed me her flowers, we came to the most beautiful one of all, a golden chrysanthemum, bursting with blooms. But to my great surprise, it was growing in an old dented, ugly, rusty bucket.
I thought to myself, 'If this were my plant, I'd put it in the loveliest container I had!'
My friend soon changed my mind.
'I ran short of pots,' she explained, 'and knowing how beautiful this one would be, I thought it wouldn't mind starting out in this old pail. It's just for a little while, till I find it's place in the garden.' She must have wondered why I laughed so delightedly, but I was imagining just such a scene in heaven.....an especially beautiful scene where God might have said when He came to the soul of the sweet old fisherman....
'He won't mind starting in this small body till he's ready for his place in My Garden.'
All this happened long ago -- and now, in God's garden, how tall this lovely soul must stand.
The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.
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