Grief

Grief. There, I said it. The loss of a loved one. The death of former husband. However, a month ago, I really didn't know what it was nor the feelings that would come along as a result.

Grief has no time limits; no push buttons; no on/off switch. I've given myself the permission to grieve at any time, day or night. My feelings are my feelings. Grief takes no shape or no boundary. I feel what I feel, no more - no less.

I have found that in the midst of grieving, my level of compassion has deepened. The intense love that I hold for people far outweighs anything I thought I had ever known or felt before. As I have honestly felt God holding me in His hand at times, a burning desire has ignited inside me to share His love with others.

Jesus' death changed our world and paid for my sins. Jay's death is challenging me personally. I have been studying Heaven. I am amazed at how very little I know about the place. I continue to believe that God is preparing me for the place He has prepared for me.

In the meantime, as far as preparations go, I will love as He loves. The rest will take care of itself...for LOVE conquers all!!


For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:38-39

Do you hear what I hear??

Sounds are all around us each and everyday. Lately, I’ve been more aware of sounds than ever before. The sound of my cat purring as I rub his chin, the sound of the boys’ laughter as it swells from the basement, the sound of the garage door when someone is a few minutes late coming home, the sound of Andy snoring while he is sleeping peacefully. Sounds I used to dismiss and pay no attention to, I am becoming evermore aware of.


The sound of one of my precious boys thanking me for fixing dinner, the sound of the guitar as it is played and practiced upon by one that I love, the sound of my phone ringing as a friend calls.


In one of the many cards we received from the past few weeks, there was a familiar scripture, “Be still and know that I am God.” Honestly, at the time I read this scripture it really pissed me off (can I say that??) Be STILL?? I sure felt still. I felt helpless, powerless, weak, and vulnerable. My mind raced a hundred miles an hour. However…be STILL? As time has gone by, my attitude and feelings have changed, I have found that STILLNESS as I have quieted myself inwardly. I really can hear the intended still sounds, the sweet sound of His still, small voice. Peace. Laughter. The garage door. The cat purring. Friendship. Love. Life.

What are you listening to?

Change...

Wow, So much has changed since my last update here. I don't even know if anyone blogs anymore. Nonetheless, writing is like a therapy for me. I've been through enough therapy in my life to know that with therapy comes healing, so (deep breath), my therapy is beginning...again.

Jay passed away. Reports say that it was carbon monoxide poisioning. As hard as that is to wrap my mind around, the thought of peaceful sleep brings solice. The circumstances surrounding his death have brought about a media freenzy. Reporters even showed up at the memorial service.

Having never dealt with grief on this level, at one week and 3 days under my belt at the time of this writing, I do agree with others that time does help. Still, it is hard.

My new husband, Andy, is such a dear man. Who would have thought that after a year and a half of marriage, we would be walking through this? The boys are dealing with their own set of feelings. Together, we are studying "Heaven" and what a beautiful place that is. Also, in Jay's honor, we are preparing a city-wide coat/blanket outreach.

Life, as we all have known it, has changed. In a way, time has sped up but also there are moments where time has ticked and ticked, and minute by minute we have just survived the day.

All in all, I KNOW God has a plan....still!