Quiet Places

First off, I apologize for not writing for awhile.  It's been a quiet season.  Ever have a season like that?  It's not been for lack of excitement, let me tell ya. Quite the rearranging has taken place in our lives.  We graduated our baby and sent him off to college, which naturally caused a rearrangement process to take place in our home, which, in turn, God used to create a rearrangement in our lives.  BE STILL and KNOW HE IS GOD - has been the underlying sound throughout this season.  Though the past few months have been quiet, I believe there has been Kingdom purpose in the stillness.

Through much prayer, we changed churches.  Hard as it was to leave familiar friends and family we had called home for almost 20 years, we felt God moving us.  However, because I had never experienced this change first hand, I was not prepared for the emotional wrecking that came along with a decision like this.  There is a sense of well being that comes from 'belonging' to a place, and as that became unsettled, a compassion for those those who have experienced 'church change' before began to birth.  Gulp -- I never knew there were so many emotions.  Walking into different churches, AS A VISITING CHRISTIAN, there were times I felt like a church whore.  And, truthfully, where can you share those raw, honest feelings?  Your intent is not to hurt anyone; not the precious people at the church you left, nor the precious people who are doing their best to welcome you at the church you are visiting, so you don't share, you can't share, you won't share...

With all these swirling emotions and changes occurring in my life, there was yet one constant:  my God didn't change.  Each day He woke me up and we communed together.  He assured me through His Word that He had plans for my life, that His future plans were good and hope filled.  He promised He would restore the joy of my salvation.  He started a good work in me almost 20 years ago and the book says He is faithful to complete it.  Friends, I believe He is doing just that.


It may seem like it has been a quiet season.  Maybe there hasn't been as much visual surface growth as I'd have liked, but I believe under the surface, there is a stirring.  A year and a half ago, I wrote a blog entitled Field of Dreams about a reoccurring dream I had about a field being burnt off.  As I reread that blog, with tears in my eyes, it is apparent God uses painful experiences to take me deeper in teaching me about compassion.  I read the words there, "I never knew..." and realized I had written those exact words here in this blog as well.  He is teaching me, growing me, stretching me and through prayer, grace and love I will grow.  


I feel I've been through a lot in my 39 years of living.  It is my desire to become better, not bitter; humble, not proud; patient and kind, not jealous or rude.  I realize I have a long way to go but I also realize, that I am on a great track.  Thank you, dear friends, for loving me, through all the stuff!  

Musical Chairs & Piano Keys

Do you remember playing musical chairs as a kid; walking 'round and 'round in a circle until the music stopped and then scrambling to find a seat amidst the commotion?  My life seems very similar to this right now.   

 
I feel as if I'm standing alone as the music in this dance called life has abruptly stopped.  However, because I have a relationship with the Music Maker, I know God is with me, to guide & teach me, even when this life deeply hurts. 


So many situations are going on, I feel as if I'm riding a roller coaster.  I could do this and that in an effort to fix some of the issues at hand, yet some things are totally out of my control.  His Word encourages me and says, "and after you have done everything, to stand."   Okay ... but, what does that mean - to stand?? 

1. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist (Eph. 6:14)
2. You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free (John. 8:32)
3. Once you are free, you are free indeed (John 8:36)
4. Stand firm and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery (Gal. 5:1)

I read yesterday about the keys on a piano.  If we liken life as to piano keys, we could think of the white keys as joyful and the black keys like sorrow.  Any musician knows that the black notes make music too.  The black notes are used to play songs too.  God is indeed the Music Maker and because of the relationship we have with Him, we can be assured that He will work together all things for good to and for those that love Him. 





And back to those memories of musical chairs and comparing it to life, walking in what feels like the same circle over and over.  And then, that unexpected moment when the music abruptly stops playing and chaos breaks out as everyone struggles over a chair.  I find that if I turn my eyes away from the chaos, I notice that not too far off in the distance, a place has been prepared for me; over by still waters and green meadows, a chair, just for me, has been left open with promises of rest. 

It is from this resting place, I will once again listen for the music...

 

Memories of First's

As we rapidly approach the one year anniversary of Jay's death, my emotions continue to overtake me at times.  I pause to reflect throughout this past year and ponder all the beauty has happened upon our lives.  I think about how much I've grown, and how much more compassion my heart has grown to feel. I also think about the quiet stillness of 4:00 am and how no one else hears the ticking of the clock and the sorrow my heart knows at that hour.  It seems some days continue to be like that, birthdays, anniversary's, holidays, and the like.  I'm told the first year is the hardest...time will surely tell. 

As I write here today, I'm remembering some "FIRST'S" of my own.  I remember the first year of each of the boys lives.  As a young, teenage mother, it was hard to give up a lifestyle of self, but the precious little boys I held in my arms made that change relatively easy.  The first tooth, the first haircut, the first night away as they slept at Grandma's, the first day of school ... All of these first's were monumental days for me as I remember my children's younger years.

Now, the first year of marriage. wow.  I've had a few of those.  LOL.  Respectively speaking though, they were all hard.  Getting to know the man you've dated in a WHOLE NEW WAY.  But, they do mold you; shape you; condition you; in beautiful ways.   

Here we are currently:  the first year without Jay.   The first year my children have gone without their biological father.  Death does strange things to people.  Sometimes it causes people called friends to back away and sometimes it mixes people you hardly know into closer relationships with you.  There have been days I've acted crazy.  Literally.  There have been days I've been so angry that I've probably caused those friends to back away.  And for that, I'm sorry.  I've read everything I can get my hands on and I've found that I don't have the answers; I don't think anyone does.  However, I've found there is a common thread.  Experts say the first year is the hardest and we're almost there.

It may sound a bit contrite to be thankful here, but I am.  I have to be.  I have a wonderful family whose support is like no other.  My husband Andy deserves a 'Husband of the Year' award for the unmerited grace and understanding he has extended to a grieving woman over her ex-husband.  My children, who are personally experiencing their own hurts, have loved me even more for the dinners I just couldn't fix, family meetings that began because of dirty dishes that turned into tears of thankfulness because there were dirty dishes there in the first place, and the times they've caught me peeking in on them throughout the night but didn't complain.  I'm thankful for a church family that loves me unconditionally and provides a safe place where I can heal.  But most of all, I'm thankful for a loving, forgiving God, who has given me strength to endure trials and grace to receive forgiveness when I mess up.