Field of Dreams

I've been having these reoccurring dreams. Some might call them visions. Some might explain by saying that it’s just my mind wandering. Whatever they may be, I've found them to be calming and encouraging, so they are welcome. They happen while I'm awake, and other times they happen in a dream while I'm sleeping. I will try to explain best I can.

I see myself in this big open field. As far as my eyes can see there is burnt ground. Soot. Nothing alive. While walking in every direction, all I can make out is black, filthy, dusty, soot. The smell is that (for lack of a better description) of burnt microwave popcorn. (In the spirit this reminds me of the valley of dry bones in Ezekiel 37).

I go to sleep and dream the same thing over and over. Days turn into weeks and the same dream surfaces. I daydream at stoplights or while looking out windows and the scenes repeat in my mind. The first night this took place, I had just delivered the news to our two precious teenage boys that their father, my former spouse, had died. The black darkness tries its’ best to turn into guilt, depression, fault, and despair. I battle the thoughts. I trudge through the darkness, cold, frightened and afraid. C.S. Lewis’ words “I never knew grief felt so like fear” resonate within me. The compassion I feel for others who grieve is astonishing. I never knew…

When the pitch black landscape from my dream began to change, I was asleep. I don’t believe that my mind would have fought the change in scenery, but while asleep, we’re not as apt to wrestle with thoughts. It was during one of my walks on the sooty, dirty, dusty trail that I came across a piece of greenery sprouting up from the ground. Immediately I bent down to inspect it. Sure enough, it was alive! It was growing. It was rooted. It was new life! In the spirit this reminded me of the scripture in Isaiah 43:19 that says, "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?"

All of a sudden the field I was standing in began to transform. Plants began to breakthrough the soot about me, ankle deep, then knee deep. Soon I was standing waist deep in greenery. Flower buds began to form on the greens. The smell became that of lilac and honeysuckle. The gloom lifted and I felt fully alive.

Just as a plant needs water and sunlight to prosper, there are things I need as well. As this garden field seems to parallel this grieving season of my life, and at times the plants in my field of dreams wither and droop from lack of the things they need to survive, I, too, need to take inventory. How am I taking care of myself? Have I spent my quiet time with the Lord? When is the last time I've eaten? There are many days that just getting out of bed is a chore and I celebrate these small victories.

Throughout this season, our children have been exposed to more than I want them to be. BUT God has a plan and His plans never cease to amaze me. Our oldest boy sang at his father’s memorial service … “Oh, How He Loves Us.” The service was a beautiful tribute. Many Teen Challenge guys came and spoke of fond memories they shared. It was truly a celebration of a prodigal son coming home.

The boys wanted to give back to the impoverished place where their dad had lived his last days, so they orchestrated a coat and blanket drive for the precious people living down by the river. A city-wide campaign was launched and coats, pillows, blankets, cots and food were collected. Our family, along with fellow church members and friends, delivered these goodies wrapped with love to the residents of this place called ‘Tent City’. During that outreach, many lives were touched, including mine. I watched as our boys helped men twice their age change into ‘new’ pairs of coveralls and help get them ready for more of the cold, winter months.

Also during that outreach a young couple asked if they could begin coming to our church sometime. Our Pastor and I looked at each other, thinking to ourselves how cool that would be and that we would have to get that arranged soon. Without another word the couple asked what day it was and when we told them Saturday, they immediately said, “Well, tomorrow is Sunday, could we come then??” So, the very next day, and every Sunday to follow, this couple has been ready and waiting as someone goes to pick them up.

In this season of grief, the outpouring of love our family received was incredible. Again, I watched as our boys made decisions far beyond their years. As there was no insurance and this was an unexpected death, the cost was a bit much for an 18-year old, next-of-kin, to come up with. Our church set up a memorial fund to help offset costs. By God’s grace, memorial gifts came in at $73 over what was needed. Together, our boys decided to leave the excess in the memorial fund, not knowing what the next need would be. Just last week, with the help of the remainder of this fund and fellow church members, the aforementioned couple was able to MOVE from Tent City into a HOME!! This fund helped to provide their first months rent!! On Sunday, this couple came running up to my boys, tears spilling over from their eyes and saying, "If it wasn't for your dad, none of this would have been possible!"

In thinking back to my dream, God knew all along what was underneath that sooty soil just waiting to emerge. The seeds had been previously planted and were ready to breakthrough. He knew that through a burning season in my life, new life would spring forth. (Daniel 2:22 - He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness...) He truly does work ALL things for the GOOD of those who LOVE Him and are called according to His purpose!!

Lord, let Your garden grow!! Let Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven!! AMEN!!