As we rapidly approach the one year anniversary of Jay's death, my emotions continue to overtake me at times. I pause to reflect throughout this past year and ponder all the beauty has happened upon our lives. I think about how much I've grown, and how much more compassion my heart has grown to feel. I also think about the quiet stillness of 4:00 am and how no one else hears the ticking of the clock and the sorrow my heart knows at that hour. It seems some days continue to be like that, birthdays, anniversary's, holidays, and the like. I'm told the first year is the hardest...time will surely tell.
As I write here today, I'm remembering some "FIRST'S" of my own. I remember the first year of each of the boys lives. As a young, teenage mother, it was hard to give up a lifestyle of self, but the precious little boys I held in my arms made that change relatively easy. The first tooth, the first haircut, the first night away as they slept at Grandma's, the first day of school ... All of these first's were monumental days for me as I remember my children's younger years.
Now, the first year of marriage. wow. I've had a few of those. LOL. Respectively speaking though, they were all hard. Getting to know the man you've dated in a WHOLE NEW WAY. But, they do mold you; shape you; condition you; in beautiful ways.
Here we are currently: the first year without Jay. The first year my children have gone without their biological father. Death does strange things to people. Sometimes it causes people called friends to back away and sometimes it mixes people you hardly know into closer relationships with you. There have been days I've acted crazy. Literally. There have been days I've been so angry that I've probably caused those friends to back away. And for that, I'm sorry. I've read everything I can get my hands on and I've found that I don't have the answers; I don't think anyone does. However, I've found there is a common thread. Experts say the first year is the hardest and we're almost there.
It may sound a bit contrite to be thankful here, but I am. I have to be. I have a wonderful family whose support is like no other. My husband Andy deserves a 'Husband of the Year' award for the unmerited grace and understanding he has extended to a grieving woman over her ex-husband. My children, who are personally experiencing their own hurts, have loved me even more for the dinners I just couldn't fix, family meetings that began because of dirty dishes that turned into tears of thankfulness because there were dirty dishes there in the first place, and the times they've caught me peeking in on them throughout the night but didn't complain. I'm thankful for a church family that loves me unconditionally and provides a safe place where I can heal. But most of all, I'm thankful for a loving, forgiving God, who has given me strength to endure trials and grace to receive forgiveness when I mess up.
