As we rapidly approach the one year anniversary of Jay's death, my emotions continue to overtake me at times. I pause to reflect throughout this past year and ponder all the beauty has happened upon our lives. I think about how much I've grown, and how much more compassion my heart has grown to feel. I also think about the quiet stillness of 4:00 am and how no one else hears the ticking of the clock and the sorrow my heart knows at that hour. It seems some days continue to be like that, birthdays, anniversary's, holidays, and the like. I'm told the first year is the hardest...time will surely tell.
As I write here today, I'm remembering some "FIRST'S" of my own. I remember the first year of each of the boys lives. As a young, teenage mother, it was hard to give up a lifestyle of self, but the precious little boys I held in my arms made that change relatively easy. The first tooth, the first haircut, the first night away as they slept at Grandma's, the first day of school ... All of these first's were monumental days for me as I remember my children's younger years.
Now, the first year of marriage. wow. I've had a few of those. LOL. Respectively speaking though, they were all hard. Getting to know the man you've dated in a WHOLE NEW WAY. But, they do mold you; shape you; condition you; in beautiful ways.
Here we are currently: the first year without Jay. The first year my children have gone without their biological father. Death does strange things to people. Sometimes it causes people called friends to back away and sometimes it mixes people you hardly know into closer relationships with you. There have been days I've acted crazy. Literally. There have been days I've been so angry that I've probably caused those friends to back away. And for that, I'm sorry. I've read everything I can get my hands on and I've found that I don't have the answers; I don't think anyone does. However, I've found there is a common thread. Experts say the first year is the hardest and we're almost there.
It may sound a bit contrite to be thankful here, but I am. I have to be. I have a wonderful family whose support is like no other. My husband Andy deserves a 'Husband of the Year' award for the unmerited grace and understanding he has extended to a grieving woman over her ex-husband. My children, who are personally experiencing their own hurts, have loved me even more for the dinners I just couldn't fix, family meetings that began because of dirty dishes that turned into tears of thankfulness because there were dirty dishes there in the first place, and the times they've caught me peeking in on them throughout the night but didn't complain. I'm thankful for a church family that loves me unconditionally and provides a safe place where I can heal. But most of all, I'm thankful for a loving, forgiving God, who has given me strength to endure trials and grace to receive forgiveness when I mess up.
Friday, December 02, 2011
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Thankful for the EACH
Well, now that my entire blog has re-routed to my Facebook page...again, I guess its time for a current update. When I woke up this morning and y'all were commenting on stories that I had written on my blog...I freaked a little. I thought I had unlinked my blog with FB awhile back. But, as I went back and began to re-read all those writings, I was moved. There is something about writing that helps me.
Each story, each moment, each time I sit down to write it helps me focus. By saying that, I guess I am saying that I'm thankful for what I've been through; each valley, each mountain top, each death, each life, and each person I've had the chance to cross paths with along the way.
Maybe not thankful at the moment to be going through the emotions, but many times, after the pain subsides, there lies each beauty and each purpose. I read this short story the other day. I think it describes beautifully the value in the EACH. Sometimes when we get caught-up our life, God uses something to help us remember things that are truly important.
The value of the each... _____________________________________________________________________
She was young, only about 8, when in the midst of a normal school day, a girl named Anne turned around from the desk in front of her and spoke these words matter-of-factly…
“My mom left us today.”
Unsure of what to do with such personal information, Rebecca’s young mind began to process what her classmate had shared.
After asking her enough questions to understand that the abandonment would be permanent, she eyeballed Anne’s long, thick hair and wondered many things about what her mom leaving them might mean.
It was then that Rebecca asked the question most near to her very innocent female heart.
“But who will brush your hair, everyday?”
Young Anne shrugged her small shoulders, as if resigned to something she’d already thought about.
Ever the caretaker, Rebecca wouldn’t accept that this important task might not get done and her friend would come to school without the proper grooming.
So she decided to step in. “I’ll tell you what,” she said to her friend. “Why don’t you bring a brush to school in your book bag, and I’ll brush your hair for you?”
And that’s exactly what her friend, Anne, did. Everyday. For years. Rebecca brushed her hair, in the absence of her mother.
_____________________________________________________________________
We can do great things that will many people will notice. We can give huge amounts of money or sing a beautiful song. But who among us will serve in the trenches? Who will care for the people with no names? Who will brush a little girls hair?
There is value in each person. Today I am thankful for each!
Each story, each moment, each time I sit down to write it helps me focus. By saying that, I guess I am saying that I'm thankful for what I've been through; each valley, each mountain top, each death, each life, and each person I've had the chance to cross paths with along the way.
Maybe not thankful at the moment to be going through the emotions, but many times, after the pain subsides, there lies each beauty and each purpose. I read this short story the other day. I think it describes beautifully the value in the EACH. Sometimes when we get caught-up our life, God uses something to help us remember things that are truly important.
The value of the each... _____________________________________________________________________
She was young, only about 8, when in the midst of a normal school day, a girl named Anne turned around from the desk in front of her and spoke these words matter-of-factly…
“My mom left us today.”
Unsure of what to do with such personal information, Rebecca’s young mind began to process what her classmate had shared.
After asking her enough questions to understand that the abandonment would be permanent, she eyeballed Anne’s long, thick hair and wondered many things about what her mom leaving them might mean.
It was then that Rebecca asked the question most near to her very innocent female heart.
“But who will brush your hair, everyday?”
Young Anne shrugged her small shoulders, as if resigned to something she’d already thought about.
Ever the caretaker, Rebecca wouldn’t accept that this important task might not get done and her friend would come to school without the proper grooming.
So she decided to step in. “I’ll tell you what,” she said to her friend. “Why don’t you bring a brush to school in your book bag, and I’ll brush your hair for you?”
And that’s exactly what her friend, Anne, did. Everyday. For years. Rebecca brushed her hair, in the absence of her mother.
_____________________________________________________________________
We can do great things that will many people will notice. We can give huge amounts of money or sing a beautiful song. But who among us will serve in the trenches? Who will care for the people with no names? Who will brush a little girls hair?
There is value in each person. Today I am thankful for each!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Everyone poops.
I am a fighter. So many times throughout my life people have used the word "strong" to describe me. Not in the muscle category (now that's hilarious), but an inner strength that continues on when life throws curve balls my way. I am a living, breathing example that God does indeed give strength to the weak. I am thankful. As Christians we're promised that when we are weak, we become strong.
In the past few months, however, I've come to realize how quickly a strong person can become weak when life feels unsafe. To anyone who has ever walked through the deep, dark hole of depression, you know, depression sucks! However, even while walking through gloomy valleys, I am being stretched and being taught. It is for His great love for me, I am blessed.
Y-e-a-r-s ago, when life was chaotic at home, I found refuge at church. Often times, Pastor would open the doors at night and lock us in to sleep in the sanctuary, just to feel safety. The peace of God was so real and close there.
As I've grown as a Christian, I know that the "church" isn't just a building, but people. Jesus lives in our hearts if we invite Him in. I'm not talking here about a particular church, or people group, but God's Church. The Church, as a whole.
Recently, my safety net was shaken. I read the following sentence (by Lisa Whittle) and it reminded me...
Safety. Trust. Jesus people. Sadly they don't always go together.
I continue to ponder that thought. I can sit in the very room and experience church happening, yet feel unsafe by wondering what is being said about me behind my back. I can walk into a restaurant and see two christian friends sipping coffee and feel as if they wanted to get together without me to talk about me. Could this be because I was hurt in the past? Could I feel this way because of wounds that go deep. Sure. But feeling this way is unsafe, unhealthy, and ugly.
I began to realize the error of my ways. God wants me to be dependent on HIM! Not a building, not on people, not on friends, not on food, not on money, not on anything else but HIM. He loves me. He LOVES me!!!! HE LOVES ME!!!!!!!
People will hurt us, even Christian people. Friends will hurt us, even Christian friends. We are commanded to forgive and I'm thinking it might be much easier if we don't set our expectations so high to begin with. Here's a secret - everyone poops (even Pastor's)!!
I think that as 'the church' we sometimes think that we are this elite group of people that go around being all high and mighty. WE ARE NOT! We have no right to judge or gossip. We are called to be salt and light.
No one is exempt from this ick called 'sin', therefore, no one is exempt from this beauty called grace. All that is required is to ask Jesus to come and live in our hearts.
I will be the first to admit that I have battle scars - wounds I wear because of people who have hurt me. But doesn't Jesus have scars too? He does. In fact, He wears scars from my sins.
If our safety net is wrapped up in a particular church, friendship, job, or relationship, let's not be surprised when the tree shakes. God really does love us and have our best interest in mind. Let us put our trust in Him.
In the past few months, however, I've come to realize how quickly a strong person can become weak when life feels unsafe. To anyone who has ever walked through the deep, dark hole of depression, you know, depression sucks! However, even while walking through gloomy valleys, I am being stretched and being taught. It is for His great love for me, I am blessed.
Y-e-a-r-s ago, when life was chaotic at home, I found refuge at church. Often times, Pastor would open the doors at night and lock us in to sleep in the sanctuary, just to feel safety. The peace of God was so real and close there.
As I've grown as a Christian, I know that the "church" isn't just a building, but people. Jesus lives in our hearts if we invite Him in. I'm not talking here about a particular church, or people group, but God's Church. The Church, as a whole.
Recently, my safety net was shaken. I read the following sentence (by Lisa Whittle) and it reminded me...
Safety. Trust. Jesus people. Sadly they don't always go together.
I continue to ponder that thought. I can sit in the very room and experience church happening, yet feel unsafe by wondering what is being said about me behind my back. I can walk into a restaurant and see two christian friends sipping coffee and feel as if they wanted to get together without me to talk about me. Could this be because I was hurt in the past? Could I feel this way because of wounds that go deep. Sure. But feeling this way is unsafe, unhealthy, and ugly.
I began to realize the error of my ways. God wants me to be dependent on HIM! Not a building, not on people, not on friends, not on food, not on money, not on anything else but HIM. He loves me. He LOVES me!!!! HE LOVES ME!!!!!!!
People will hurt us, even Christian people. Friends will hurt us, even Christian friends. We are commanded to forgive and I'm thinking it might be much easier if we don't set our expectations so high to begin with. Here's a secret - everyone poops (even Pastor's)!!
I think that as 'the church' we sometimes think that we are this elite group of people that go around being all high and mighty. WE ARE NOT! We have no right to judge or gossip. We are called to be salt and light.
No one is exempt from this ick called 'sin', therefore, no one is exempt from this beauty called grace. All that is required is to ask Jesus to come and live in our hearts.
I will be the first to admit that I have battle scars - wounds I wear because of people who have hurt me. But doesn't Jesus have scars too? He does. In fact, He wears scars from my sins.
If our safety net is wrapped up in a particular church, friendship, job, or relationship, let's not be surprised when the tree shakes. God really does love us and have our best interest in mind. Let us put our trust in Him.
Friday, June 10, 2011
My Andy
It's been a couple weeks since I've written. Class reunion, followed by my baby's 17th birthday. Living Life. Living a thankful life. Some days not as I would have written them, but nonetheless, I'm learning to be at peace, to be thankful for the little, for the plenty and for the small.
A couple days ago, my MIL took a tumble. She ended up in the hospital with a broken wrist, elbow, and neck. I've had time to reflect. A lot of time. My mind swarms with questions, fear, doubt, mercy, love, gratitude. I have had to choose which emotions to pick up and carry.
I watch my husband, her son: Strong. Hard working. Wise. Thinker. Full of mercy.
I practice thoughts and words, both spoken outside my head; he is a man of few words. I write; he processes. I cry; he plays angry birds. I am messy; he is neat. I do laundry monthly; he every week. I am complex; he is simple. I am woman; he is not. We are a perfect pair.
In the short year and 11 months we have been married, this dear man has been dealt situation after situation. Event after event. I have yet to hear him complain. Nope not once. He is a man of few words. He is my man of few words. Men of few words are the best men.
In the words of Ann Voskamp:
"Love needs few words, it only needs will.
The words that matter most are the ones that we live and you teach me how to write a love letter.
I lay down my pen.
I long to write you real words.
Your very lives are a letter that anyone can read by just looking at you. Christ himself wrote it — not with ink, but with God’s living Spirit; not chiseled into stone, but carved into human lives…"
.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
In Memorial
Memorial Day: A time to honor those who have gone before us and touched our lives in such ways that have made lasting impressions upon our hearts...
This past memorial day, we honored my boys father and my former husband. Instead of electing to honor him by visiting the place he died, we choose to honor a place he lived. Our fondest memories as a family were shared at Teen Challenge. We received permission to plant a tree in his honor at their facility.
The 3 hour drive there was filled with many of the same emotions as it was 5 years ago, when Jay became a student. Both drives, and the many drives in between, I remember the underlying peace surrounding the vast array of other emotions. It is the peace in the still small voice that continues to assure me it would be all right, and that my future is secure in His hands.
After we joined hands in a circle of prayer around the site for the planting, the sun peeked out from behind the shade trees, and the boys broke ground.
God is so very good. He gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it. Grace. Strength. Mercy. Forgiveness. Hope. Healing. Ann Voskamp writes: 'He gifts with seeds as small as moments, grace upon grace, the unlikely here and now ... Do not disdain the small. Our enough is always in the now...'
The planting continued. On our knees we took soil in the palm of our hands, dirt crumbled through our fingers as memories flooded through our minds. Emotional. Loving. Grateful. Releasing. Peace. Moving the tree to its' place. Taking such delicate care step by step. Packing the soil beneath. Then mulch. Then sod. Just so. Stakes, driven through earth to hold future growth secure. It had to be right. Honorable. Respectable. Proper.
Earlier while still at home, we had asked the boys to choose a stone from our rock garden. We had referred to the rock as 'Ebenezer' but had not elaborated on it. As we were almost ready to leave the site, I read a passage from 1 Samuel 7:12: "Samuel took a single rock and set it upright between Mizpah and Shen. He named it "Ebenezer" (Rock of Help), saying, "This marks the place where God helped us.
How fitting. How true. Teen Challenge days provided incredible training for our family. Faith grew. Miracles happened. Healing occurred. I have uploaded a letter (see post titled 'Letter') and an article (see post titled 'New Creations') that elaborate more about things Jesus did through Teen Challenge is us and through us. Although things might not have worked out the way we all thought it would, God is still in control and has orchestrated a beautiful woven tapestry. We are indeed blessed; each of us.
As we loaded up to return home, I was reminded that yes, we were leaving the planting site ... however, memories can stay tucked in your heart forever. Ebenezer marks the spot where God helped us. He helped us then, He helps us now, and He will help us tomorrow. Our family shares a wonderful, rich legacy.
Well done. In Memory. Jay Rhoden.
.
New Creations
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come
2 Corinthians 5:17
New Creations
March 10, 2006 marks a day that a pivotal shift occurred in our family. This day, a refining process of new beginnings was set in motion as my husband and I drove from St. Joseph, Missouri to Colfax, Iowa. This day, my husband became a Student at Teen Challenge of the Midlands.
Truthfully though, it wasn’t until this day, March 12, 2006 that generational curses stopped and generational blessings began. You see, this day was the day my husband died. He didn’t die, per se, from his physical life; he just turned over complete control to the One who created his life. He removed himself from the throne in his heart and asked Jesus to come and live in that place. In John 10:10, Jesus says, “I have come that they may have life, and have it more abundantly.” To me, the most precious part of that sentence is the “ , ” (the comma). On March 10, 2006, my husband had life, but on March 12, 2006, he received life more abundantly!
Our history together dates back 15 years. We married in 1992 and had our firstborn son soon after. As a young, naïve, 18-year old wife and mother, I had lived a pretty sheltered life to this point. During our dating season, I experimented with alcohol; still to this day, I have never used any drugs. One night after work, my husband didn’t come home. This really wasn’t surprising to me as many nights this happened. However, days went by and there was no sign of him. Eventually, I received a collect call from a correctional facility and found out that my husband had been arrested and was awaiting trial. He was eventually convicted of a Felony Charge for 1st Degree Armed Robbery which carried a 10-year sentence. I was devastated. By the grace of God, he received a 120-day sentence to a treatment facility. After he completed this program, he was placed on probation and returned to our home. I hoped that was enough of a wake up call and everything would be ok.
But the cycle continued – the honeymoon period, the excessive controlling, the abuse, the drinking, the drugs, and the co-dependency issues. Time passed and my husband was arrested for a DWI. Of course this broke his probation, and he was sentenced to another 120-day treatment center. Once more, I thought things would be different when he returned. I believed in the “hope of change” rather than actually what was real. I saw my life as a fairy tale through rose colored glasses and believed that if I just pretended hard enough, everything would turn out. But, each time my husband would return home, we honeymooned for a bit and then both returned to our old patterns of behavior.
Soon, I became pregnant with our second son. Again, I hoped things would change. Still, the cycle continued. Once more my husbands’ actions broke the conditions of his probation and this incident caused him to serve out the remainder of his original 10-year sentence.
By this time, we both decided we had been through enough and divorced. He went to a prison behind bars of steel and I went to a prison of my own. I began to attend church regularly; however, inside my heart, I was broken, hurt and lonely. I desperately searched for love and acceptance. I knew of Jesus; I sang about Him, I even presented Him well to others, I just didn’t KNOW Him, truly KNOW Him. This began a season of sin in my life; I desperately wanted to find something to fill the aching hole in my heart. I tried to keep this area of my life truly hidden in the dark, until, one day, I was tired of living in the self-induced prison I was in and was determined to find freedom. I brought this into the light with the help of a close friend. She prayed with me and I sincerely committed my life to the Lord. God, being the perfect fit to the hole in my heart, had been waiting, patiently for an invitation all along. I began to heal. This took time, patience, forgiveness, and grace, but the Lord was faithful then, and has continued to be to this day.
Soon after this, our Pastor began a sermon series on “Faith”. I truly wanted to live my life for Him and I realized that “without faith it was impossible to please God” (Hebrews 11:6). The boys and I talked about what they had faith for in their lives and they replied, “We have faith for a dad.” I thought to myself, “Great, you get a dad, I get a husband” so we prayed diligently about that.
Little did I know God was orchestrating a miracle. The boys’ dad, my ex-husband, was soon released from prison. Seven years had passed. He was a Christian. He was the answer to our prayers. I have to admit, honestly, I laughed at first. I reminded God that I had previously tried this husband, and it didn’t work, but God gently reminded me that His ways are not our ways. God usually doesn’t answer prayers in the way we think He should, His answers to our prayers are perfect!
After receiving counsel with our Pastor, we remarried in 2003. However, just because we had become Christians didn’t mean the struggles would magically go away. We still had hooks of sin in our souls; hooks that the enemy would tug on and the cycle of sin would repeat. We were Christians, but we truly hadn’t died to our own selfish desires. We had accepted Jesus, but we were trying to share the throne with Him. We were living life before the “ , ” of John 10:10. Yes, we had life, but we were not living in His abundance.
In March 2006, much to our dismay, the cycle again repeated. My husband was a patient at our local hospital’s mental health ward and had been placed on a suicide watch as he had wrecked his truck under the influence of alcohol and drugs. Again, we faced unknown circumstances about the outcome of our marriage. The lifestyle choices my husband made to this point, grimly reminded me of paths we had walked years prior. The remembrances of white-knuckled promises to change, of lies about where he had been for days on end, of missing items from our home taken to pawn shops, of numerous nights I peered out the window as my heart skipped a beat with the sound of any vehicle passing by, the wondering if this or that treatment center, counseling session, program or class would be “the one” that worked. It was during this time of brokenness that we heard about Teen Challenge of the Midlands.
On March 10, 2006 as we voluntarily entered Teen Challenge, an array of emotions attempted to overtake me. I felt relief that I knew where my husband was sleeping at night. I felt grief as I began the process of “letting go of the old.” I felt fear as the burden of raising our boys fell onto my shoulders. I felt hope as I believed this was a new chapter of our lives. I felt freedom as I surrendered my family to the Lord. I felt peace as I anticipated the “new creation” the Lord was preparing. I felt panic as I faced a mountain of debt well over $13,000.
Nonetheless, regardless of my feelings, the Lord provided for us in incredible ways during the first few weeks of Teen Challenge. One example of God’s provision was that at our 2-week visit I was able to share the miracle that our $13,000 debt had been demolished! We praised God together and agreed that the Lord was confirming the decision we made to commit to the length of the Teen Challenge program.
Looking back, the 16-months spent at Teen Challenge were not without difficulty, but God never promised things would be easy. HOWEVER, He did promise that if we let Him, He would walk the journey with us and carry our burdens. During each visit, each phone conversation, each Wives Weekend, and each 7-day pass, I could see the Lord purging, transforming, and infilling our entire family. Trials continued to arise, but the difference was the way our family handled those trials.
2 Corinthians 5:17 confirms this transformation, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.”
I believe my husband’s journey was as much for me as it was for him. During the time he spent at Teen Challenge, the Lord began a transforming work in my life as well. With my husband away, I had only myself to look at, as issues I previously attributed to my husband’s actions didn’t cease. I had to accept responsibility and then take action. Even this day, I choose to humble myself and allow the Lord to refine me.
Now that my husband has completed the program and returned home, the process of change continues. We both are walking through a rebuilding process as we begin to mesh the “new creations” the Lord has made in each of us. Sure, there are times that old feelings attempt to creep back in, but we are determined to “trust the God that lives in the other” as we walk this out, together. “A cord of 3 strands is not easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
Today, we choose to live abundant life as new creations to the left of the comma. Because of who He is and what He has done, our family has forever been changed…for generations and generations yet to come. As the Lord has walked us through these trials, we believe He will use them as we proclaim the Lord’s Favor as in Isaiah 61. We believe that He has anointed us to preach good news to the poor, to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners. We are a blessed people; blessed to be a blessing!
Thank you for celebrating the Lord’s victory with us!!
Sincerely,
Jody Rhoden
2 Corinthians 5:17
New Creations
March 10, 2006 marks a day that a pivotal shift occurred in our family. This day, a refining process of new beginnings was set in motion as my husband and I drove from St. Joseph, Missouri to Colfax, Iowa. This day, my husband became a Student at Teen Challenge of the Midlands.
Truthfully though, it wasn’t until this day, March 12, 2006 that generational curses stopped and generational blessings began. You see, this day was the day my husband died. He didn’t die, per se, from his physical life; he just turned over complete control to the One who created his life. He removed himself from the throne in his heart and asked Jesus to come and live in that place. In John 10:10, Jesus says, “I have come that they may have life, and have it more abundantly.” To me, the most precious part of that sentence is the “ , ” (the comma). On March 10, 2006, my husband had life, but on March 12, 2006, he received life more abundantly!
Our history together dates back 15 years. We married in 1992 and had our firstborn son soon after. As a young, naïve, 18-year old wife and mother, I had lived a pretty sheltered life to this point. During our dating season, I experimented with alcohol; still to this day, I have never used any drugs. One night after work, my husband didn’t come home. This really wasn’t surprising to me as many nights this happened. However, days went by and there was no sign of him. Eventually, I received a collect call from a correctional facility and found out that my husband had been arrested and was awaiting trial. He was eventually convicted of a Felony Charge for 1st Degree Armed Robbery which carried a 10-year sentence. I was devastated. By the grace of God, he received a 120-day sentence to a treatment facility. After he completed this program, he was placed on probation and returned to our home. I hoped that was enough of a wake up call and everything would be ok.
But the cycle continued – the honeymoon period, the excessive controlling, the abuse, the drinking, the drugs, and the co-dependency issues. Time passed and my husband was arrested for a DWI. Of course this broke his probation, and he was sentenced to another 120-day treatment center. Once more, I thought things would be different when he returned. I believed in the “hope of change” rather than actually what was real. I saw my life as a fairy tale through rose colored glasses and believed that if I just pretended hard enough, everything would turn out. But, each time my husband would return home, we honeymooned for a bit and then both returned to our old patterns of behavior.
Soon, I became pregnant with our second son. Again, I hoped things would change. Still, the cycle continued. Once more my husbands’ actions broke the conditions of his probation and this incident caused him to serve out the remainder of his original 10-year sentence.
By this time, we both decided we had been through enough and divorced. He went to a prison behind bars of steel and I went to a prison of my own. I began to attend church regularly; however, inside my heart, I was broken, hurt and lonely. I desperately searched for love and acceptance. I knew of Jesus; I sang about Him, I even presented Him well to others, I just didn’t KNOW Him, truly KNOW Him. This began a season of sin in my life; I desperately wanted to find something to fill the aching hole in my heart. I tried to keep this area of my life truly hidden in the dark, until, one day, I was tired of living in the self-induced prison I was in and was determined to find freedom. I brought this into the light with the help of a close friend. She prayed with me and I sincerely committed my life to the Lord. God, being the perfect fit to the hole in my heart, had been waiting, patiently for an invitation all along. I began to heal. This took time, patience, forgiveness, and grace, but the Lord was faithful then, and has continued to be to this day.
Soon after this, our Pastor began a sermon series on “Faith”. I truly wanted to live my life for Him and I realized that “without faith it was impossible to please God” (Hebrews 11:6). The boys and I talked about what they had faith for in their lives and they replied, “We have faith for a dad.” I thought to myself, “Great, you get a dad, I get a husband” so we prayed diligently about that.
Little did I know God was orchestrating a miracle. The boys’ dad, my ex-husband, was soon released from prison. Seven years had passed. He was a Christian. He was the answer to our prayers. I have to admit, honestly, I laughed at first. I reminded God that I had previously tried this husband, and it didn’t work, but God gently reminded me that His ways are not our ways. God usually doesn’t answer prayers in the way we think He should, His answers to our prayers are perfect!
After receiving counsel with our Pastor, we remarried in 2003. However, just because we had become Christians didn’t mean the struggles would magically go away. We still had hooks of sin in our souls; hooks that the enemy would tug on and the cycle of sin would repeat. We were Christians, but we truly hadn’t died to our own selfish desires. We had accepted Jesus, but we were trying to share the throne with Him. We were living life before the “ , ” of John 10:10. Yes, we had life, but we were not living in His abundance.
In March 2006, much to our dismay, the cycle again repeated. My husband was a patient at our local hospital’s mental health ward and had been placed on a suicide watch as he had wrecked his truck under the influence of alcohol and drugs. Again, we faced unknown circumstances about the outcome of our marriage. The lifestyle choices my husband made to this point, grimly reminded me of paths we had walked years prior. The remembrances of white-knuckled promises to change, of lies about where he had been for days on end, of missing items from our home taken to pawn shops, of numerous nights I peered out the window as my heart skipped a beat with the sound of any vehicle passing by, the wondering if this or that treatment center, counseling session, program or class would be “the one” that worked. It was during this time of brokenness that we heard about Teen Challenge of the Midlands.
On March 10, 2006 as we voluntarily entered Teen Challenge, an array of emotions attempted to overtake me. I felt relief that I knew where my husband was sleeping at night. I felt grief as I began the process of “letting go of the old.” I felt fear as the burden of raising our boys fell onto my shoulders. I felt hope as I believed this was a new chapter of our lives. I felt freedom as I surrendered my family to the Lord. I felt peace as I anticipated the “new creation” the Lord was preparing. I felt panic as I faced a mountain of debt well over $13,000.
Nonetheless, regardless of my feelings, the Lord provided for us in incredible ways during the first few weeks of Teen Challenge. One example of God’s provision was that at our 2-week visit I was able to share the miracle that our $13,000 debt had been demolished! We praised God together and agreed that the Lord was confirming the decision we made to commit to the length of the Teen Challenge program.
Looking back, the 16-months spent at Teen Challenge were not without difficulty, but God never promised things would be easy. HOWEVER, He did promise that if we let Him, He would walk the journey with us and carry our burdens. During each visit, each phone conversation, each Wives Weekend, and each 7-day pass, I could see the Lord purging, transforming, and infilling our entire family. Trials continued to arise, but the difference was the way our family handled those trials.
2 Corinthians 5:17 confirms this transformation, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.”
I believe my husband’s journey was as much for me as it was for him. During the time he spent at Teen Challenge, the Lord began a transforming work in my life as well. With my husband away, I had only myself to look at, as issues I previously attributed to my husband’s actions didn’t cease. I had to accept responsibility and then take action. Even this day, I choose to humble myself and allow the Lord to refine me.
Now that my husband has completed the program and returned home, the process of change continues. We both are walking through a rebuilding process as we begin to mesh the “new creations” the Lord has made in each of us. Sure, there are times that old feelings attempt to creep back in, but we are determined to “trust the God that lives in the other” as we walk this out, together. “A cord of 3 strands is not easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
Today, we choose to live abundant life as new creations to the left of the comma. Because of who He is and what He has done, our family has forever been changed…for generations and generations yet to come. As the Lord has walked us through these trials, we believe He will use them as we proclaim the Lord’s Favor as in Isaiah 61. We believe that He has anointed us to preach good news to the poor, to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners. We are a blessed people; blessed to be a blessing!
Thank you for celebrating the Lord’s victory with us!!
Sincerely,
Jody Rhoden
Letter
June 29, 2007
Dear Mr. ______:
As I’m sure you are well aware, Jay’s Completion Service is very soon. I wanted to take this opportunity to return something to Teen Challenge that has been precious to our family throughout this season of our lives. The scripture reference is found in Zechariah 4, “This is the word of the Lord to Zerubabbel: Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord. What are you, O mighty mountain? Before Zerubabbel you will become level ground. Then, he will bring out the capstone to shouts of “God Bless it! God Bless it!” Please allow me the liberty to explain:
During our very first visit to Teen Challenge in late March 2006, our boys, Christopher and Boston, were not on the best of terms with their father. As our family visit was winding down and we were preparing to leave, I remember Jay asking us to join hands and pray together. Our boys were so bitter they wouldn’t participate; nonetheless, Jay and I prayed together anyway. On the walk down to our car, I went ahead as Jay and the boys lagged behind talking. I peered back, and out of the corner of my eye I saw that our oldest son was crying. I watched as his father embraced him, and then I saw him bend over and pick up a rock from the gravel path.
My first thought was, “Oh no, he’s got a rock”, but he looked as if he had picked up a prize as he placed this rock deep into his pocket. By this time, we all were crying as we said our goodbyes and drove away. The only sound was the quiet tears and runny noses; that was until we got into Des Moines traffic. In the middle lane of I-80, I heard, “Mom, look at this rock!” I smiled to myself as I really wasn’t able to give the rock the “look” he truly wanted, but I played along anyway and said, “Ok, I see it.” He went on, “This is like my dad isn’t it? On one side of this rock, it’s really bumpy, jagged and sharp, that’s just like my dad before he left for Teen Challenge, but on the other side, it’s smooth, even and level, that’s just like how my dad will be after Teen Challenge, right!” Tears began to fill my eyes as I realized the changes beginning to take shape in my husband were evident to our children. It was a reminder to me of the redeeming power of our Father God who longs to heal our rough places and make us smooth again.
Since that day, we have proudly displayed this rock in our curio cabinet with other priceless family treasures. We have used this rock for the past 16 months as a focal point to pray for Jay while he has been at Teen Challenge. I realized a few weeks ago, that we won’t need this rock any longer. The next best thing to having a rock to remind us to pray for Jay, is having Jay himself! It is with the utmost humility and respect that I thank you! Thank you for allowing our family the opportunity to grow and learn during this season, and thank you for allowing us to “steal” this rock from the grounds so long ago. This experience has truly changed our lives!!! We will do as the above scripture instructs and continue to proclaim freedom to shouts of “God Bless It, God Bless It!!”
In His Love-
Jody Rhoden
Dear Mr. ______:
As I’m sure you are well aware, Jay’s Completion Service is very soon. I wanted to take this opportunity to return something to Teen Challenge that has been precious to our family throughout this season of our lives. The scripture reference is found in Zechariah 4, “This is the word of the Lord to Zerubabbel: Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord. What are you, O mighty mountain? Before Zerubabbel you will become level ground. Then, he will bring out the capstone to shouts of “God Bless it! God Bless it!” Please allow me the liberty to explain:
During our very first visit to Teen Challenge in late March 2006, our boys, Christopher and Boston, were not on the best of terms with their father. As our family visit was winding down and we were preparing to leave, I remember Jay asking us to join hands and pray together. Our boys were so bitter they wouldn’t participate; nonetheless, Jay and I prayed together anyway. On the walk down to our car, I went ahead as Jay and the boys lagged behind talking. I peered back, and out of the corner of my eye I saw that our oldest son was crying. I watched as his father embraced him, and then I saw him bend over and pick up a rock from the gravel path.
My first thought was, “Oh no, he’s got a rock”, but he looked as if he had picked up a prize as he placed this rock deep into his pocket. By this time, we all were crying as we said our goodbyes and drove away. The only sound was the quiet tears and runny noses; that was until we got into Des Moines traffic. In the middle lane of I-80, I heard, “Mom, look at this rock!” I smiled to myself as I really wasn’t able to give the rock the “look” he truly wanted, but I played along anyway and said, “Ok, I see it.” He went on, “This is like my dad isn’t it? On one side of this rock, it’s really bumpy, jagged and sharp, that’s just like my dad before he left for Teen Challenge, but on the other side, it’s smooth, even and level, that’s just like how my dad will be after Teen Challenge, right!” Tears began to fill my eyes as I realized the changes beginning to take shape in my husband were evident to our children. It was a reminder to me of the redeeming power of our Father God who longs to heal our rough places and make us smooth again.
Since that day, we have proudly displayed this rock in our curio cabinet with other priceless family treasures. We have used this rock for the past 16 months as a focal point to pray for Jay while he has been at Teen Challenge. I realized a few weeks ago, that we won’t need this rock any longer. The next best thing to having a rock to remind us to pray for Jay, is having Jay himself! It is with the utmost humility and respect that I thank you! Thank you for allowing our family the opportunity to grow and learn during this season, and thank you for allowing us to “steal” this rock from the grounds so long ago. This experience has truly changed our lives!!! We will do as the above scripture instructs and continue to proclaim freedom to shouts of “God Bless It, God Bless It!!”
In His Love-
Jody Rhoden
Friday, May 20, 2011
The invisible me
Behind the walls of strength and might
lies a fragile soul; a desperate sight.
As those shielding barriers give way
the soul lies vulnerable throughout its’ day.
Changes, worries, people’s thoughts,
all wreak havoc on the loss.
Harsh terms spoken or words unsaid,
desire at times this soul be dead.
But God in His remarkable love
is reaching down from Heaven above,
to heal this soul and make it new,
to purify it through and through.
This painful process aches and stings;
but this soul knows He is the King.
So as the walls have crumbled down,
through the rubble, there lies the crown.
Princess ~ Daughter ~ Gifted One
Not my will but Thine be done!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Cupped Hands
Just when the devil (that's devil with a little bitty 'd') almost has you convinced that you are used up, unable to serve, no good, too fat, too old, no longer worthy of service to the Kingdom, Almighty GOD (that's GOD with a BIG 'G', BIG 'O', BIG 'D'), comes alongside you and confirms that HE is still working in your life and reminds you that HE has amazing plans for you!!
Thought life has been hard lately. My thoughts have attempted to overtake me; mind, body and soul. As Joyce Meyer writes "the battle is in the mind" and I can attest to that very truth. As Christians, if we find ourselves believing that we are 'above' such attacks, we are most likely already victim to the prey. (I Peter 5:8--Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.)
Im Romans 12:2, I read about the RENEWING of my mind. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.
I asked myself if this scripture really said to TEST God's will??? I interpreted it as a yes, so, I asked God to show me His will.....and HE DID!!
A little background: I believe God told me years ago that His plans for my life are to share His love, to care for hurting people, and to help those in bondage find freedom. (Isaiah 61, my paraphrase) I have written about this before in previous posts. However recently, when I allowed the enemy to play games and toy with my mind, I questioned the very thing I knew was God's promise.
The confirmation of the test: Over the past 2 days, a handful of friends have contacted me with issues in their life. Friends from long ago, friends states away, friends I haven't spoken directly with in years, dear friends I hold as close as sisters. I count it an HONOR that these precious sisters trust me enough to confide in me, and ask for prayer and insight as they are walking through tough situations. As they shared, it brought tears to my eyes and grace to my memory that at one time, it took me being vulnerable enough to show my scars with them. Failures, mountain tops, valleys, victories. God has brought me to THIS PLACE for a reason. It is this reason, that gratitude fills my heart.
It is only by applying Jesus healing balm that I can look back over the 37 years of my life, and see that everything I've been through has passed through God's loving, cupped hands. It is these nail scarred, cupped hands of beauty that I am who I am today: broken yet healed!
Through God's cupped hands-my adoption was orchestrated; through God's cupped hands, my babies grew into men; through God's cupped hands-love arose; through God's cupped hands-death appeared; through God's cupped hands-grace abounds; through God's cupped hands-I can trust that nothing passes that I am unable to bear. This is our story...God's story. And with His hand, cupped around mine, we will continue, together, day by day.
This is God's will for my life: To love Him and love His people. Everything else is secondary.
2 Corinthians 1:3
He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.
Thought life has been hard lately. My thoughts have attempted to overtake me; mind, body and soul. As Joyce Meyer writes "the battle is in the mind" and I can attest to that very truth. As Christians, if we find ourselves believing that we are 'above' such attacks, we are most likely already victim to the prey. (I Peter 5:8--Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.)
Im Romans 12:2, I read about the RENEWING of my mind. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.
I asked myself if this scripture really said to TEST God's will??? I interpreted it as a yes, so, I asked God to show me His will.....and HE DID!!
A little background: I believe God told me years ago that His plans for my life are to share His love, to care for hurting people, and to help those in bondage find freedom. (Isaiah 61, my paraphrase) I have written about this before in previous posts. However recently, when I allowed the enemy to play games and toy with my mind, I questioned the very thing I knew was God's promise.
The confirmation of the test: Over the past 2 days, a handful of friends have contacted me with issues in their life. Friends from long ago, friends states away, friends I haven't spoken directly with in years, dear friends I hold as close as sisters. I count it an HONOR that these precious sisters trust me enough to confide in me, and ask for prayer and insight as they are walking through tough situations. As they shared, it brought tears to my eyes and grace to my memory that at one time, it took me being vulnerable enough to show my scars with them. Failures, mountain tops, valleys, victories. God has brought me to THIS PLACE for a reason. It is this reason, that gratitude fills my heart.
It is only by applying Jesus healing balm that I can look back over the 37 years of my life, and see that everything I've been through has passed through God's loving, cupped hands. It is these nail scarred, cupped hands of beauty that I am who I am today: broken yet healed!
Through God's cupped hands-my adoption was orchestrated; through God's cupped hands, my babies grew into men; through God's cupped hands-love arose; through God's cupped hands-death appeared; through God's cupped hands-grace abounds; through God's cupped hands-I can trust that nothing passes that I am unable to bear. This is our story...God's story. And with His hand, cupped around mine, we will continue, together, day by day.
This is God's will for my life: To love Him and love His people. Everything else is secondary.
2 Corinthians 1:3
He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Easter EGGStravaganza Testimony
At the Easter EGGStravaganza, as Chris and the team were worshiping in the auditorium, I left the platform and was stopped by a woman who was sitting on the second row. In the midst of the joy of balls flying, upbeat music, and candy everywhere, this woman was sitting with tears in her eyes. I bent down to talk to her and she asked me how old the boy singing was.
“I’m a bit partial to that boy”, I replied, with the proud look of a mama on my face and my buttons just a-bursting, but I noticed her eyes never left my Christopher. I then told her he was 18, and he was my son. It was then that she looked at me, and the tears began to slide down her cheeks.
She went on to share that she had a son who was 23. He had passed away the year prior and that Chris reminded her of her son. I listened intently, all the while trying to avoid the 48" beach balls from boinging us in the heads. I knew this was a divine moment.
As she finished her story, we were both crying. It was then that I shared a portion of our lives from past few months. I shared about how that 18-year old boy on the platform, singing his guts out for the Lord, had just lost his father 4 months prior. She asked how he could be so happy, and I told her about the JOY that comes from knowing the Lord. She shared over and over again how thankful she was that she came to the event and that she would find a ride back to church the next day and the weeks to come.
The band finished their song, I hugged her neck and dried my tears. This woman’s story touched my heart in such a way that words fail to express. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that ministry happened that day, regardless if no message was preached from the platform. Easter eggs, wrapped in love, can definately change lives. They did mine. AMEN!!
Friday, March 25, 2011
The Little Ones
I've been wrestling. If being passionate about something means you are 'awake dreaming' (oxymoron? YES!) at 3:00 AM, then I'd say I've been gifted passion. But why? Why me? Why now? God and I have been having some heart to hearts in the wee small hours of the morning. Needless to say, I've been remembering...
I remember back to the days when my boys were small. I worked as a waitress, mostly nights and weekends. I was a new believer. When I did get a Sunday off from work (usually once a month), it was such a treat. I would try to dress my boys to the 9s, in their little velvet hats, tall socks and patton leather shoes.
I remember one Sunday in particular, bringing my boys into the nursery and being told that if I didn't sign up for my turn in the nursery, I wasn't allowed to drop them off that day, or any day thereafter. My heart sank. Not knowing when I would make it to church again, and really not wanting to spend the one sunday a month I got off from work in the nursery, I took a deep breath and hung my head. Fighting back tears I took my boys into church with me that day.
I will never forget what happened next. A woman who I admire to this VERY DAY, came up to me. She had heard what had happened in the nursery. She told me she would work my shift. This woman had grown children of her own. In my mind, she had done her 'nursery duty.' However, I recognized that through her eyes, she was speaking through her heart...and it was God's heart. (that's exactly what Jesus did, He took our place!)
The boys and I continued to come to church. This beautiful woman continued to work my shift in the nursery. Eventually my schedule changed. My job changed. My life changed. I grew. My boys grew.
So, now, the tables have turned, the Lord reminded me, at 3:00 AM. God has blessed, and birthed, and stoked, a passion in me for the children of our next generation. I am honored. I am more than able to give back.
I remember back to the days when my boys were small. I worked as a waitress, mostly nights and weekends. I was a new believer. When I did get a Sunday off from work (usually once a month), it was such a treat. I would try to dress my boys to the 9s, in their little velvet hats, tall socks and patton leather shoes.
I remember one Sunday in particular, bringing my boys into the nursery and being told that if I didn't sign up for my turn in the nursery, I wasn't allowed to drop them off that day, or any day thereafter. My heart sank. Not knowing when I would make it to church again, and really not wanting to spend the one sunday a month I got off from work in the nursery, I took a deep breath and hung my head. Fighting back tears I took my boys into church with me that day.
I will never forget what happened next. A woman who I admire to this VERY DAY, came up to me. She had heard what had happened in the nursery. She told me she would work my shift. This woman had grown children of her own. In my mind, she had done her 'nursery duty.' However, I recognized that through her eyes, she was speaking through her heart...and it was God's heart. (that's exactly what Jesus did, He took our place!)
The boys and I continued to come to church. This beautiful woman continued to work my shift in the nursery. Eventually my schedule changed. My job changed. My life changed. I grew. My boys grew.
So, now, the tables have turned, the Lord reminded me, at 3:00 AM. God has blessed, and birthed, and stoked, a passion in me for the children of our next generation. I am honored. I am more than able to give back.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Big News!!
I just have to write. I'm not too good at keeping things quiet, especially subjects this exciting ....
I have always known that I was adopted. I found my birth mother a few years ago, and that was a amazing, joyful reunion. At that time, I also learned I had a brother. I have yet to met him face to face, although we have spoken on the telephone on one occasion. As siblings, we share a bond unlike any other person. I never knew about him growing up ... but I often wonder if he knew about me ...
As an only child, I grew up thinking how would the whole 'Aunt Jody' thing work. When I married Andy and he had a brother, who had a child, I became an instant Aunt, and I love that!! But now, I am an Aunt ... by heredity!! The thought brings tears to my eyes. God has indeed woven a beautiful tapestry of beauty from ashes!
I don't know if this precious family will ever know mine or if our lives will ever entwine. Nonetheless, I love them. I have loved my brother from the day I found out he existed. I love his wife and child although I do not know if I will meet them in person. I TREASURE the distance I am invited and consider it an absolute HONOR to sign my name this day:
Aunt Jody
I'M AN AUNT!!!
I have always known that I was adopted. I found my birth mother a few years ago, and that was a amazing, joyful reunion. At that time, I also learned I had a brother. I have yet to met him face to face, although we have spoken on the telephone on one occasion. As siblings, we share a bond unlike any other person. I never knew about him growing up ... but I often wonder if he knew about me ...
As an only child, I grew up thinking how would the whole 'Aunt Jody' thing work. When I married Andy and he had a brother, who had a child, I became an instant Aunt, and I love that!! But now, I am an Aunt ... by heredity!! The thought brings tears to my eyes. God has indeed woven a beautiful tapestry of beauty from ashes!
I don't know if this precious family will ever know mine or if our lives will ever entwine. Nonetheless, I love them. I have loved my brother from the day I found out he existed. I love his wife and child although I do not know if I will meet them in person. I TREASURE the distance I am invited and consider it an absolute HONOR to sign my name this day:
Aunt Jody
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Field of Dreams
I've been having these reoccurring dreams. Some might call them visions. Some might explain by saying that it’s just my mind wandering. Whatever they may be, I've found them to be calming and encouraging, so they are welcome. They happen while I'm awake, and other times they happen in a dream while I'm sleeping. I will try to explain best I can.
I see myself in this big open field. As far as my eyes can see there is burnt ground. Soot. Nothing alive. While walking in every direction, all I can make out is black, filthy, dusty, soot. The smell is that (for lack of a better description) of burnt microwave popcorn. (In the spirit this reminds me of the valley of dry bones in Ezekiel 37).
I go to sleep and dream the same thing over and over. Days turn into weeks and the same dream surfaces. I daydream at stoplights or while looking out windows and the scenes repeat in my mind. The first night this took place, I had just delivered the news to our two precious teenage boys that their father, my former spouse, had died. The black darkness tries its’ best to turn into guilt, depression, fault, and despair. I battle the thoughts. I trudge through the darkness, cold, frightened and afraid. C.S. Lewis’ words “I never knew grief felt so like fear” resonate within me. The compassion I feel for others who grieve is astonishing. I never knew…
When the pitch black landscape from my dream began to change, I was asleep. I don’t believe that my mind would have fought the change in scenery, but while asleep, we’re not as apt to wrestle with thoughts. It was during one of my walks on the sooty, dirty, dusty trail that I came across a piece of greenery sprouting up from the ground. Immediately I bent down to inspect it. Sure enough, it was alive! It was growing. It was rooted. It was new life! In the spirit this reminded me of the scripture in Isaiah 43:19 that says, "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?"
All of a sudden the field I was standing in began to transform. Plants began to breakthrough the soot about me, ankle deep, then knee deep. Soon I was standing waist deep in greenery. Flower buds began to form on the greens. The smell became that of lilac and honeysuckle. The gloom lifted and I felt fully alive.
Just as a plant needs water and sunlight to prosper, there are things I need as well. As this garden field seems to parallel this grieving season of my life, and at times the plants in my field of dreams wither and droop from lack of the things they need to survive, I, too, need to take inventory. How am I taking care of myself? Have I spent my quiet time with the Lord? When is the last time I've eaten? There are many days that just getting out of bed is a chore and I celebrate these small victories.
Throughout this season, our children have been exposed to more than I want them to be. BUT God has a plan and His plans never cease to amaze me. Our oldest boy sang at his father’s memorial service … “Oh, How He Loves Us.” The service was a beautiful tribute. Many Teen Challenge guys came and spoke of fond memories they shared. It was truly a celebration of a prodigal son coming home.
The boys wanted to give back to the impoverished place where their dad had lived his last days, so they orchestrated a coat and blanket drive for the precious people living down by the river. A city-wide campaign was launched and coats, pillows, blankets, cots and food were collected. Our family, along with fellow church members and friends, delivered these goodies wrapped with love to the residents of this place called ‘Tent City’. During that outreach, many lives were touched, including mine. I watched as our boys helped men twice their age change into ‘new’ pairs of coveralls and help get them ready for more of the cold, winter months.
Also during that outreach a young couple asked if they could begin coming to our church sometime. Our Pastor and I looked at each other, thinking to ourselves how cool that would be and that we would have to get that arranged soon. Without another word the couple asked what day it was and when we told them Saturday, they immediately said, “Well, tomorrow is Sunday, could we come then??” So, the very next day, and every Sunday to follow, this couple has been ready and waiting as someone goes to pick them up.
In this season of grief, the outpouring of love our family received was incredible. Again, I watched as our boys made decisions far beyond their years. As there was no insurance and this was an unexpected death, the cost was a bit much for an 18-year old, next-of-kin, to come up with. Our church set up a memorial fund to help offset costs. By God’s grace, memorial gifts came in at $73 over what was needed. Together, our boys decided to leave the excess in the memorial fund, not knowing what the next need would be. Just last week, with the help of the remainder of this fund and fellow church members, the aforementioned couple was able to MOVE from Tent City into a HOME!! This fund helped to provide their first months rent!! On Sunday, this couple came running up to my boys, tears spilling over from their eyes and saying, "If it wasn't for your dad, none of this would have been possible!"
In thinking back to my dream, God knew all along what was underneath that sooty soil just waiting to emerge. The seeds had been previously planted and were ready to breakthrough. He knew that through a burning season in my life, new life would spring forth. (Daniel 2:22 - He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness...) He truly does work ALL things for the GOOD of those who LOVE Him and are called according to His purpose!!
Lord, let Your garden grow!! Let Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven!! AMEN!!
I see myself in this big open field. As far as my eyes can see there is burnt ground. Soot. Nothing alive. While walking in every direction, all I can make out is black, filthy, dusty, soot. The smell is that (for lack of a better description) of burnt microwave popcorn. (In the spirit this reminds me of the valley of dry bones in Ezekiel 37).
I go to sleep and dream the same thing over and over. Days turn into weeks and the same dream surfaces. I daydream at stoplights or while looking out windows and the scenes repeat in my mind. The first night this took place, I had just delivered the news to our two precious teenage boys that their father, my former spouse, had died. The black darkness tries its’ best to turn into guilt, depression, fault, and despair. I battle the thoughts. I trudge through the darkness, cold, frightened and afraid. C.S. Lewis’ words “I never knew grief felt so like fear” resonate within me. The compassion I feel for others who grieve is astonishing. I never knew…
When the pitch black landscape from my dream began to change, I was asleep. I don’t believe that my mind would have fought the change in scenery, but while asleep, we’re not as apt to wrestle with thoughts. It was during one of my walks on the sooty, dirty, dusty trail that I came across a piece of greenery sprouting up from the ground. Immediately I bent down to inspect it. Sure enough, it was alive! It was growing. It was rooted. It was new life! In the spirit this reminded me of the scripture in Isaiah 43:19 that says, "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?"
All of a sudden the field I was standing in began to transform. Plants began to breakthrough the soot about me, ankle deep, then knee deep. Soon I was standing waist deep in greenery. Flower buds began to form on the greens. The smell became that of lilac and honeysuckle. The gloom lifted and I felt fully alive.
Just as a plant needs water and sunlight to prosper, there are things I need as well. As this garden field seems to parallel this grieving season of my life, and at times the plants in my field of dreams wither and droop from lack of the things they need to survive, I, too, need to take inventory. How am I taking care of myself? Have I spent my quiet time with the Lord? When is the last time I've eaten? There are many days that just getting out of bed is a chore and I celebrate these small victories.
Throughout this season, our children have been exposed to more than I want them to be. BUT God has a plan and His plans never cease to amaze me. Our oldest boy sang at his father’s memorial service … “Oh, How He Loves Us.” The service was a beautiful tribute. Many Teen Challenge guys came and spoke of fond memories they shared. It was truly a celebration of a prodigal son coming home.
The boys wanted to give back to the impoverished place where their dad had lived his last days, so they orchestrated a coat and blanket drive for the precious people living down by the river. A city-wide campaign was launched and coats, pillows, blankets, cots and food were collected. Our family, along with fellow church members and friends, delivered these goodies wrapped with love to the residents of this place called ‘Tent City’. During that outreach, many lives were touched, including mine. I watched as our boys helped men twice their age change into ‘new’ pairs of coveralls and help get them ready for more of the cold, winter months.
Also during that outreach a young couple asked if they could begin coming to our church sometime. Our Pastor and I looked at each other, thinking to ourselves how cool that would be and that we would have to get that arranged soon. Without another word the couple asked what day it was and when we told them Saturday, they immediately said, “Well, tomorrow is Sunday, could we come then??” So, the very next day, and every Sunday to follow, this couple has been ready and waiting as someone goes to pick them up.
In this season of grief, the outpouring of love our family received was incredible. Again, I watched as our boys made decisions far beyond their years. As there was no insurance and this was an unexpected death, the cost was a bit much for an 18-year old, next-of-kin, to come up with. Our church set up a memorial fund to help offset costs. By God’s grace, memorial gifts came in at $73 over what was needed. Together, our boys decided to leave the excess in the memorial fund, not knowing what the next need would be. Just last week, with the help of the remainder of this fund and fellow church members, the aforementioned couple was able to MOVE from Tent City into a HOME!! This fund helped to provide their first months rent!! On Sunday, this couple came running up to my boys, tears spilling over from their eyes and saying, "If it wasn't for your dad, none of this would have been possible!"
Lord, let Your garden grow!! Let Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven!! AMEN!!
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
Choosing Grief
I have sincerely tried not talking ill about my former husband during his life. In his death, it is not my intent to paint him as a saint either. There is Freedom in the Truth. This is my story...
C.S. Lewis writes that "No one ever told that grief felt so like fear." I can attest to that. Recently, in sorting through memories of my heart, I've found similar hidden feelings that connect one to another. I believe divorce and death are closely related. However, in my situation, I choose one experience (divorce) and the other experience (death) I found myself dealt.
Its hard to leave a person that you love so much. It's hard to share more than half of your life with someone, believing the best, not looking back, forgiving the past, trusting God, having faith, yet .... divorcing. However, when safety, provision, and wise counsel trumped my feelings, it was decision time. I was sad. I was beyond sad. I knew this man loved me, and I loved him, yet boundaries had to be placed. It broke my heart to look our beautiful children in the eyes and tell them their father and I were getting divorced. The sleepless nights and waves of emotions came at me. Fear tried to take root. I still loved him, but I could not allow this for our future. We were toxic for each other. It just didn't work out.
Day by day, the tears subsided and the hole in my heart scabbed over. I began to eventually learn to enjoy the peace I had prayed for, although at first I did not know how to react to it. I learned that "1" was a whole number again. The boys and I began to rebuild. God showed me what it was like to be a princess, to be loved, cherished, and treasured. God taught me that I was capable of love and that I could love again. It wasn't long before God blessed me with my prince. THANK GOD that He knows what He's doing. His timing is perfect (at times I question the timing, but He is always on time).
Now, back to the story about grief .... this man, my former husband, that I prayed for, believed in, and longed to see healed, died. He was 37 years old. We were divorced when he died. I got the phone call while at work on December 27. We hadn't spoke for weeks prior and our last conversation probably wasn't the most pleasant; I'm thankful I honestly don't remember it. It broke my heart to look our beautiful children in the eyes and tell them their father died. They did NOTHING to deserve this. The sleepless nights and waves of emotions came at me yet again. Fear tried to take root. I still love him, but he is gone. His journey here is over, yet his story lives on.
So, whether our experience with grief finds us at the end of a relationship due to our own choosing, or in the finality of a death, the bottom line is, grief sucks. Through grief we are faced with tough decisions, hurt hearts, raw emotions and pain. Sometimes my heart feels like it cannot handle another painful moment, but to experience love we have to be willing to take chances, to risk being vulnerable, and to open ourselves up to others.
I love people so this is a chance I'm willing to take. Will I take a risk and love ... then there might come a time I will have to face grief again. Until then, I will enjoy the beauty of the moment and take every day as it comes. Love conquers all, even grief!
C.S. Lewis writes that "No one ever told that grief felt so like fear." I can attest to that. Recently, in sorting through memories of my heart, I've found similar hidden feelings that connect one to another. I believe divorce and death are closely related. However, in my situation, I choose one experience (divorce) and the other experience (death) I found myself dealt.
Its hard to leave a person that you love so much. It's hard to share more than half of your life with someone, believing the best, not looking back, forgiving the past, trusting God, having faith, yet .... divorcing. However, when safety, provision, and wise counsel trumped my feelings, it was decision time. I was sad. I was beyond sad. I knew this man loved me, and I loved him, yet boundaries had to be placed. It broke my heart to look our beautiful children in the eyes and tell them their father and I were getting divorced. The sleepless nights and waves of emotions came at me. Fear tried to take root. I still loved him, but I could not allow this for our future. We were toxic for each other. It just didn't work out.
Day by day, the tears subsided and the hole in my heart scabbed over. I began to eventually learn to enjoy the peace I had prayed for, although at first I did not know how to react to it. I learned that "1" was a whole number again. The boys and I began to rebuild. God showed me what it was like to be a princess, to be loved, cherished, and treasured. God taught me that I was capable of love and that I could love again. It wasn't long before God blessed me with my prince. THANK GOD that He knows what He's doing. His timing is perfect (at times I question the timing, but He is always on time).
Now, back to the story about grief .... this man, my former husband, that I prayed for, believed in, and longed to see healed, died. He was 37 years old. We were divorced when he died. I got the phone call while at work on December 27. We hadn't spoke for weeks prior and our last conversation probably wasn't the most pleasant; I'm thankful I honestly don't remember it. It broke my heart to look our beautiful children in the eyes and tell them their father died. They did NOTHING to deserve this. The sleepless nights and waves of emotions came at me yet again. Fear tried to take root. I still love him, but he is gone. His journey here is over, yet his story lives on.
So, whether our experience with grief finds us at the end of a relationship due to our own choosing, or in the finality of a death, the bottom line is, grief sucks. Through grief we are faced with tough decisions, hurt hearts, raw emotions and pain. Sometimes my heart feels like it cannot handle another painful moment, but to experience love we have to be willing to take chances, to risk being vulnerable, and to open ourselves up to others.
I love people so this is a chance I'm willing to take. Will I take a risk and love ... then there might come a time I will have to face grief again. Until then, I will enjoy the beauty of the moment and take every day as it comes. Love conquers all, even grief!
Friday, February 25, 2011
Strength
Throughout my life I've heard compliments as, "You are one of the strongest women I know" or "I have no idea how you get through times like this." When going through trying times, sometimes it is all I can do to remind myself to breath or to force myself to get out of bed in the morning. Believe me, I deserve no recognition, unless its for not leaving my children in the grocery store when they were too young to find their own way home, or not burning our house down after crying myself to sleep while leaving a candle burning.
Throughout everything, God continues to bless me indeed. He has given me strength to get through what I've needed to walk through. He's given me faith to believe for what He's wanted me to believe for. He's given me staying power. He's given me hope, and joy, and love. I am blessed. I am thankful. I am thankful for two beautiful children who did not ever quit believing in me as their mom and friend. I'm thankful to be loved by a wonderful husband and hold his hand as we walk through the rest of our lives together.
I love the following verse and the way it reads. I hope it encourages you today the way it did me.
2 Cor. 12:7 - Message: My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size — abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
Disclaimer: I'm not at all saying that in times of pain we shouldn't take time to regroup and refocus. It takes time for wounds to heal and hearts to mend. However, staying out of the race of life on a long-term basis isn't helpful for any of us, including yourself. We need each other. As the above verse encourages us all to do, let's quit focusing on the handicap and begin to appreciate the gift. All my best to each of you!!
Friday, February 18, 2011
Healing never came ... or did it?
For countless years I prayed for my former marriage to be healed. Night after sleepless night I prayed for my former husband to be healed of turmoils, addictions, pains, afflictions. I not only prayed, but I believed. I trusted God's plans for his life, for our lives. You know the verse, Jer. 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
However, making the decision to divorce was the hardest thing I have personally ever been through. Well, that was until his death. If there is a scale of hardest life experiences, I'd rank divorce and death as pretty closely related and among the toughest.
As I walk out my life, a nagging part of my heart hurts from deep within. Others share about bondages being broken, about lives being changed, about people they love being healed. These are amazing God moments and by NO means is my intent to disregard what God has done, I'm just being real by saying that sometimes, jealousy attempts to plant thoughts in my mind. Why couldn't that have happened for me, Lord? Why couldn't healing have happened for Jay?
It is then that I remember the sweet, stillness of the One who loves me so very much. He remindes me that because Jay had a relationship with Jesus, Jay is healed. Jay is free. Jay is no longer suffering.
As I look back, I have to admit that my prayers were answered, just not in the way I envisioned they would be. In Isaiah 55:8, God says “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.”
In conclusion, I trust that healing DID come for Jay. I guess the next question is, when will it come for me? For the boys? We are walking this out, day by day, often times minute by minute. There are days and nights that are extremely difficult. I know that God is still in the healing business and I trust Him to finish the work that He began.
However, making the decision to divorce was the hardest thing I have personally ever been through. Well, that was until his death. If there is a scale of hardest life experiences, I'd rank divorce and death as pretty closely related and among the toughest.
As I walk out my life, a nagging part of my heart hurts from deep within. Others share about bondages being broken, about lives being changed, about people they love being healed. These are amazing God moments and by NO means is my intent to disregard what God has done, I'm just being real by saying that sometimes, jealousy attempts to plant thoughts in my mind. Why couldn't that have happened for me, Lord? Why couldn't healing have happened for Jay?
It is then that I remember the sweet, stillness of the One who loves me so very much. He remindes me that because Jay had a relationship with Jesus, Jay is healed. Jay is free. Jay is no longer suffering.
As I look back, I have to admit that my prayers were answered, just not in the way I envisioned they would be. In Isaiah 55:8, God says “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.”
In conclusion, I trust that healing DID come for Jay. I guess the next question is, when will it come for me? For the boys? We are walking this out, day by day, often times minute by minute. There are days and nights that are extremely difficult. I know that God is still in the healing business and I trust Him to finish the work that He began.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Two words. To describe. My life.
God created. Child loved.
Sin permeated. Baby conceived. Unplanned pregnancy.
Abortion option. Adoption decision. Mother presented. Mother received. Child loved.
Family birthed. Child grew. Church attended.
Dysfunction arose. Teenager rebelled. Packed belongings.
Moved out. Tough girl. Parents divorced.
Met boy. Young love. Teenage pregnancy. First marriage. New baby. Child loved.
Addictions arose. Abuse began. Honeymoon periods. Cycles continue.
Pregnancy test. New beginnings. Baby brother. Child loved.
Addictions remain. Abuse persists. Jail time. Divorce proceedings.
Single parent. Poverty impacted. Downhill spiral. Needed help.
Met Jesus.
Sins Forgiven. Chains Broken. Set Free. Accepted hope. Life abundant.
Found peace. Began Changing. Received joy. Invited Faith.
Prayers answered. Remarried husband. Family tranquil. Boys prosper.
Cycle repeats. Suicide attempt. Teen Challenge.
Debts demolished. Transformation begins. Addictions silence.
Communicate freedom. Deep breaths. Received Calling.
Aggressively attacked. Addiction rears. Promises broken. Deep pain. Divorced again.
Reconnected friend. Complete opposite. Love began. God’s gift. Summer wedding.
Boys honored. Happy days. Oldest graduates. Begins college.
Insert death. Former spouse. Extreme emotions. Roller coaster.
Jesus steady. God secure. Solid ground. Denying fear.
Trusting God. Learning profusely. Motivitating life. Changing seasons.
Being continued…
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
What do I smell like?
This past Sunday at church I stood beside a woman and she looked over and said to me "you smell like smoke." Being a previous smoker myself I was at first taken aback by her comment. Earlier that morning, I had showered and did remember spraying my extra special smelly stuff on my outfit so I knew I smelled good. But then it dawned on me...I hugged a couple who use firewood as their only heat source. The wood-fire smell must have rubbed off on my clothes. Honestly, because I love these people, I loved the smell and the comment made me smile!!
However, this got me to thinking. If I smelled of smoke, I wonder if this couple smelled like me. I wonder what 'smell' I'm sharing with people. If I've been with Jesus, I want people to know, see, and smell Him on me. I want to share Jesus with the world!
Use me, Lord...whatever it takes!
Monday, February 07, 2011
Why??
Why does it take heat to make bread rise?
Why does it take pain to get our attention?
Why does it take death to change a life?
Because I knew you, I have been changed. I'm a better mother, a better wife, a better friend. I listen more. My heart has grown. Compassion cultivates within me...because of death.
Yesterday, I was able to hold a young mother who just lost her newborn baby. Though I fought back tears and sobs from deep within me, I knew.
I knew that Jesus Loves Me. Though I don't deserve this type of love, He Loves Me. It took Jesus' death to truly change my life. I'm thankful for those who have gone before me who have also helped to teach me, old and young.
I don't understand why? But I trust the One sent His Son to die for me.
Saturday, February 05, 2011
Treasures of a lasting kind
I was at Target today and ran into a friend. I shared about my life over the past month. Ran into another friend. Shared with her. Purchased my items. Walked into the parking lot. Had a flashback. Lost it.
Entertained thoughts for a bit. Thoughts that didn't belong to me. Thoughts planted in my mind to cause harm, destruction, and hurt. It worked, they did....for awhile. I called a friend. She talked truth to me. Truth about God's plan for my life that include hope and a future.
We aren't promised tomorrow. I believe that before we were born, our days were numbered. If it's not my time to die, I could walk through a mine field and live. However, if it's my time, I may not get up from this computer.
All people play a role in our lives. Embrace the part they play. Learn from what their character shares with yours. The person you see today might not act totally like the part God intended for them, however, speak to the treasure that lies within.
Thank you, each one of you, for being a treasure to me!!!!
Entertained thoughts for a bit. Thoughts that didn't belong to me. Thoughts planted in my mind to cause harm, destruction, and hurt. It worked, they did....for awhile. I called a friend. She talked truth to me. Truth about God's plan for my life that include hope and a future.
We aren't promised tomorrow. I believe that before we were born, our days were numbered. If it's not my time to die, I could walk through a mine field and live. However, if it's my time, I may not get up from this computer.
All people play a role in our lives. Embrace the part they play. Learn from what their character shares with yours. The person you see today might not act totally like the part God intended for them, however, speak to the treasure that lies within.
Thank you, each one of you, for being a treasure to me!!!!
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
The sloppy wet kissable sinner
The song, "How He Loves" has been a staple worship song for me personally, to my family, to our church, and nationwide. The lyrics have helped us understand that God loves us, YES US!
Yet, there was always one part of the song that I didn't quite understand. I'd heard some artists perform the song differently and change the words, so that drew even more attention to this particular line for me. Here are the words to the bridge:
As I began to think about the terminology of the sloppy wet kiss, at first I was a bit confused, but then God began to show me examples of this in my own life.
1) My post yesterday about the homeless woman I ministered to years ago. As her boyfriend has just beaten her up, I just wrapped my arms around her and loved her. As we cried together, the term "sloppy" describes this type of love to me. And I KNOW that God was there in the midst.
2) Our son, Christopher, sang this song at Jay's memorial service. This past Sunday evening at the worship service I was overcome with emotion as I heard the song again. As I sat down in my sloppyness, with tears and snot running down my face, I felt the love of Jesus wrapping his arms around me. I'd say heaven met me like a sloppy wet kiss.
3) I've been in situations before where I've had to leave someone I love for a period of time. During a goodbye, I can remember crying and not caring that our tears were mixing together. I'd say that was pretty sloppy.
So, I'm saying all that to say this: This song ministers to me. I'm a sloppy wet sinner. I don't deserve to have love graciously poured out on my life, but I do, and I'm thankful. I don't have time to think about all the wrong things I've done (and still do), when I think about the way that He loves...
He loves us, He loves us... He loves me and He loves YOU too!
Yet, there was always one part of the song that I didn't quite understand. I'd heard some artists perform the song differently and change the words, so that drew even more attention to this particular line for me. Here are the words to the bridge:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
My heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way,
That He Loves Us.
As I began to think about the terminology of the sloppy wet kiss, at first I was a bit confused, but then God began to show me examples of this in my own life.
1) My post yesterday about the homeless woman I ministered to years ago. As her boyfriend has just beaten her up, I just wrapped my arms around her and loved her. As we cried together, the term "sloppy" describes this type of love to me. And I KNOW that God was there in the midst.
2) Our son, Christopher, sang this song at Jay's memorial service. This past Sunday evening at the worship service I was overcome with emotion as I heard the song again. As I sat down in my sloppyness, with tears and snot running down my face, I felt the love of Jesus wrapping his arms around me. I'd say heaven met me like a sloppy wet kiss.
3) I've been in situations before where I've had to leave someone I love for a period of time. During a goodbye, I can remember crying and not caring that our tears were mixing together. I'd say that was pretty sloppy.
So, I'm saying all that to say this: This song ministers to me. I'm a sloppy wet sinner. I don't deserve to have love graciously poured out on my life, but I do, and I'm thankful. I don't have time to think about all the wrong things I've done (and still do), when I think about the way that He loves...
He loves us, He loves us... He loves me and He loves YOU too!
Monday, January 31, 2011
The church of the pretty teeth
In going through some files on my computer, I came across the following letter I wrote to a dear friend (I have changed his name to "T" for privacy). I met this man and his wife through Teen Challenge. I will never forget the experience and the impact this couple made on my life. I am grateful. I wrote to this man as he came back to the program after leaving to tend to his wife's death.
In re-reading this today, it has stoked the fire of my calling (Isaiah 61). God never ceases to amaze me with confirmation. Even now, as I am dealing with a similar situation, God is faithful to encourage me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
June 12, 2008
To My Dear Friend 'T':
If you receive this letter, you will have made the journey back to the center. For that reason alone, our God is so proud of you.
First and foremost, I wish to offer my sincerest condolences to you and your family regarding K’s passing. I cannot imagine what you are walking through; my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Second, I wish to share a “thank you tribute,” for being a catalyst used to shape my life into what God continues to build in me today. Please allow me opportunity to explain.
I remember in the summer of 2006 when Jay was a student at Teen Challenge and he shared with me about the experience of God calling him into the ministry. I remember him talking about being in a small church in the middle of Des Moines. There were drug addicts, prostitutes, and homeless people just walking in off the street. Jay shared with me that these were the type of people the Lord was calling us to help.
I remember struggling greatly with that idea. You see, I would describe my upbringing as being raised in a “bubble.” I knew nothing of the addiction of drugs/alcohol, and truthfully, I liked it that way. As Jay shared the vision about what the Lord was calling us into, I really began to wrestle with the revelation. Don’t get me wrong, I agreed with God’s calling of Jay and I pastoring a church, but MY vision was Jay and I pastoring a church of “pretty people;” people who dressed nice; people with pretty teeth and well behaved children. People who looked much like the “bubble world” in which I grew up in. However . . .
the Lord had plans for me, plans to prosper me and plans to bring me hope and a future – Jer. 29:11
It was soon after this time that we attended a Teen Challenge Wives Weekend. I remember being blessed by being treated to dinner at the Pizza Shoppe in Pella. Jay and I sat at a table with you and K. I remember you both sharing with us what your past lives were like. I remember crying uncontrollably and having to get up from our table many times to go into the restroom to try and compose myself. The stories both of you shared honestly broke my heart because I had no idea people really lived this way. It was there, in that small pizza shop, that the Lord began to shift my paradigm. The Lord continued to speak to me throughout the drive back to the center, and the campfire later that night. It was during this campfire that I surrendered my will to His.
. . . not my will but Yours be done . . . – Luke 22:42
Our God is such a gentleman. He doesn’t force himself on anyone. He gives each of us the freedom to choose which path we are going to take. It was during the campfire that night that I burned my “innocence” before the Lord as a fragrant offering. I believe the Lord honored my obedience.
Since that weekend about a year and a half ago, the Lord continues to allow me His eyes to see hurting people. Just this past Easter, our church in St. Joseph launched the opening of a second campus called “The LifeHouse.” The LifeHouse is a 24-hour prayer room and a center for social justice located in the heart of a not-so-great part of our town. People who would never step foot into a “church” are flocking to this place for ministry; drug dealers, homeless, prostitutes, addicts, and widows. These people do not fit the “pretty church” lifestyle I envisioned, but God’s plan continues, for them, and for me.
Through the power of the Holy Spirit, I am able to minister to people in ways I never imagined. One lady, in-particular, had just been beat up by her boyfriend. Through tear filled eyes she fell into my arms, and with lice infested hair we wept together. Her snot mixed with mine as God met with us and wrapped us in a warm blanket of His love. Had my paradigm never shifted, had my heart never been broken for hurting people who did not fit into my mold, I would have missed this opportunity. I trust God would have found another vessel to use, but I am the one who would have missed out on the blessing of being used.
T, I share all of this with you to encourage you. I believe that God uses all things! Even though currently, my life isn’t what I envisioned it to be, I continue to trust God with all of it. I have learned that TRUE freedom comes when you believe God has anointed you to set the captive free, and then you realize that YOU are the prisoner!! WOW, His promises are as much for me as they are for others.
Personally, I will never forget what the Lord taught me through you and K. Thank you for being obedient and unashamed to show your scars! I just wanted to tell you, once again, how much I respect you and K and hold you both in the highest regard. In closing, I am reminded that Jesus wore scars on His body to share of His testimony (although He could have healed them, I mean, He is Jesus). It is my prayer that I will wear my scars with the same dignity as you, K and Jesus, so that He may continue to use me as a testimony to others. I thank you for sharing your experiences with me.
God Bless You during this transition time in your life!! Peace, Peace, Peace to you, my brother.
Sincerely,
T, I don't know where you are today, but I pray for you right now. Thank you for sharing your scars, allowing God to use you, and ministring to a 'pretty teethed' girl like me. You helped prepare me for today and I thank you. God Bless You!
In re-reading this today, it has stoked the fire of my calling (Isaiah 61). God never ceases to amaze me with confirmation. Even now, as I am dealing with a similar situation, God is faithful to encourage me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
June 12, 2008
To My Dear Friend 'T':
If you receive this letter, you will have made the journey back to the center. For that reason alone, our God is so proud of you.
First and foremost, I wish to offer my sincerest condolences to you and your family regarding K’s passing. I cannot imagine what you are walking through; my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Second, I wish to share a “thank you tribute,” for being a catalyst used to shape my life into what God continues to build in me today. Please allow me opportunity to explain.
I remember in the summer of 2006 when Jay was a student at Teen Challenge and he shared with me about the experience of God calling him into the ministry. I remember him talking about being in a small church in the middle of Des Moines. There were drug addicts, prostitutes, and homeless people just walking in off the street. Jay shared with me that these were the type of people the Lord was calling us to help.
I remember struggling greatly with that idea. You see, I would describe my upbringing as being raised in a “bubble.” I knew nothing of the addiction of drugs/alcohol, and truthfully, I liked it that way. As Jay shared the vision about what the Lord was calling us into, I really began to wrestle with the revelation. Don’t get me wrong, I agreed with God’s calling of Jay and I pastoring a church, but MY vision was Jay and I pastoring a church of “pretty people;” people who dressed nice; people with pretty teeth and well behaved children. People who looked much like the “bubble world” in which I grew up in. However . . .
the Lord had plans for me, plans to prosper me and plans to bring me hope and a future – Jer. 29:11
It was soon after this time that we attended a Teen Challenge Wives Weekend. I remember being blessed by being treated to dinner at the Pizza Shoppe in Pella. Jay and I sat at a table with you and K. I remember you both sharing with us what your past lives were like. I remember crying uncontrollably and having to get up from our table many times to go into the restroom to try and compose myself. The stories both of you shared honestly broke my heart because I had no idea people really lived this way. It was there, in that small pizza shop, that the Lord began to shift my paradigm. The Lord continued to speak to me throughout the drive back to the center, and the campfire later that night. It was during this campfire that I surrendered my will to His.
. . . not my will but Yours be done . . . – Luke 22:42
Our God is such a gentleman. He doesn’t force himself on anyone. He gives each of us the freedom to choose which path we are going to take. It was during the campfire that night that I burned my “innocence” before the Lord as a fragrant offering. I believe the Lord honored my obedience.
Since that weekend about a year and a half ago, the Lord continues to allow me His eyes to see hurting people. Just this past Easter, our church in St. Joseph launched the opening of a second campus called “The LifeHouse.” The LifeHouse is a 24-hour prayer room and a center for social justice located in the heart of a not-so-great part of our town. People who would never step foot into a “church” are flocking to this place for ministry; drug dealers, homeless, prostitutes, addicts, and widows. These people do not fit the “pretty church” lifestyle I envisioned, but God’s plan continues, for them, and for me.
Through the power of the Holy Spirit, I am able to minister to people in ways I never imagined. One lady, in-particular, had just been beat up by her boyfriend. Through tear filled eyes she fell into my arms, and with lice infested hair we wept together. Her snot mixed with mine as God met with us and wrapped us in a warm blanket of His love. Had my paradigm never shifted, had my heart never been broken for hurting people who did not fit into my mold, I would have missed this opportunity. I trust God would have found another vessel to use, but I am the one who would have missed out on the blessing of being used.
T, I share all of this with you to encourage you. I believe that God uses all things! Even though currently, my life isn’t what I envisioned it to be, I continue to trust God with all of it. I have learned that TRUE freedom comes when you believe God has anointed you to set the captive free, and then you realize that YOU are the prisoner!! WOW, His promises are as much for me as they are for others.
Personally, I will never forget what the Lord taught me through you and K. Thank you for being obedient and unashamed to show your scars! I just wanted to tell you, once again, how much I respect you and K and hold you both in the highest regard. In closing, I am reminded that Jesus wore scars on His body to share of His testimony (although He could have healed them, I mean, He is Jesus). It is my prayer that I will wear my scars with the same dignity as you, K and Jesus, so that He may continue to use me as a testimony to others. I thank you for sharing your experiences with me.
God Bless You during this transition time in your life!! Peace, Peace, Peace to you, my brother.
Sincerely,
T, I don't know where you are today, but I pray for you right now. Thank you for sharing your scars, allowing God to use you, and ministring to a 'pretty teethed' girl like me. You helped prepare me for today and I thank you. God Bless You!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Which weighs more - the ashes or the crown?
In reflecting, reading, and reflecting some more, I came across something. I have read this verse over and over, again and again. BUT, I'm posting it again...Isaiah 61: (the emphasis is mine)
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
My life hasn't always had 'easy button' opportunities. And honestly, I'm thankful for that. It is through challenges that I am who I am. BUT, through those experiences I have to ask myself this question, "Have I been giving the ashes in my life more attention than the crown?"
If driving our car represents the road through life and the rear view mirror represents the past, if we drive forward by gazing into the rear view mirror, WE WILL EVENTUALLY CRASH. The rear view mirror helps remind us of where we've been and what we've been through. If our view is of the open, large, clear windshield, the past (the rearview mirror) is a reminder of where we've been, what we've overcome, and where we're going, our future is put in better perspective.
What I'm saying is this ... YES, God has brought me through SO MUCH, and it's good to be reminded of this - but if I allow my identity to be determined by what I've been through, the ashes of my past will outweight who I've been created to be. I am a daughter of the King! I'm a precious, dear one who has been given a crown of beauty instead of ashes.
I never want to give the brokenness in my heart more weight than the fact that God can bind it up or believe that the price of freedom is too costly! Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe!
I sincerely doubt my God will ever tell me to tone it down. It is my prayer to live life out loud, even tending to small details like cleaning toilets, with my crown on!
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
My life hasn't always had 'easy button' opportunities. And honestly, I'm thankful for that. It is through challenges that I am who I am. BUT, through those experiences I have to ask myself this question, "Have I been giving the ashes in my life more attention than the crown?"
If driving our car represents the road through life and the rear view mirror represents the past, if we drive forward by gazing into the rear view mirror, WE WILL EVENTUALLY CRASH. The rear view mirror helps remind us of where we've been and what we've been through. If our view is of the open, large, clear windshield, the past (the rearview mirror) is a reminder of where we've been, what we've overcome, and where we're going, our future is put in better perspective.
What I'm saying is this ... YES, God has brought me through SO MUCH, and it's good to be reminded of this - but if I allow my identity to be determined by what I've been through, the ashes of my past will outweight who I've been created to be. I am a daughter of the King! I'm a precious, dear one who has been given a crown of beauty instead of ashes.
I never want to give the brokenness in my heart more weight than the fact that God can bind it up or believe that the price of freedom is too costly! Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe!
I sincerely doubt my God will ever tell me to tone it down. It is my prayer to live life out loud, even tending to small details like cleaning toilets, with my crown on!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
the battle in the mind
Part of me wants to write this post without using any punctuation just to help express how my mind feels inside today. Because I'm writer, there is no way I could write that way. So, as my mother encouraged me to do as a young girl, I'll use my words instead. My mind feels unsettled, running on empty, unkept, unraveled. I find myself talking to perfect strangers because I find similiarties in our stories. I am so very thankful for their openness to share with me. Even at the risk of being termed a freak, I will continue to reach out.
I hurt. Deeply. Until yesterday I had honestly found no one who closely could relate to any of my circumstances. I mean seriously - I don't see myself sharing this story at a widows meeting. My former husband died. We'd been divorced 3 years. I'm now 1-1/2 years happily married to a wonderful man who is also processing and leading; untimely death is almost unbearable.
I cared about my former husband so much but because of his actions had to utilize boundaries. The question someone asked and wrote on an online forum, "If he had a family, why was he living in a homeless area?" attempts to haunt me as I sleep.
As I had to remind people when I remarried the man a second time, YES, I REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED! However, I sincerely feel my choices were God ordained. Looking back, I would not have changed a thing! Nothing. I am the woman I am today because of my past choices, both good and bad; my actions, both right and wrong. THANK GOD for His forgiveness and grace!!
And now....I stand again at that same place, except I lack the courage I once felt. I feel fragile and defenseless. As a person who normally has it all together, these feelings are so foreign to me. I pray against bitterness, but I feel it attempting to take root.
I am positive there are lessons for me to learn. I trust God to teach me, day by day. Even as I sleep at night and lay myself down in Jesus arms, I trust Him to show me His plans.
I hurt. Deeply. Until yesterday I had honestly found no one who closely could relate to any of my circumstances. I mean seriously - I don't see myself sharing this story at a widows meeting. My former husband died. We'd been divorced 3 years. I'm now 1-1/2 years happily married to a wonderful man who is also processing and leading; untimely death is almost unbearable.
I cared about my former husband so much but because of his actions had to utilize boundaries. The question someone asked and wrote on an online forum, "If he had a family, why was he living in a homeless area?" attempts to haunt me as I sleep.
As I had to remind people when I remarried the man a second time, YES, I REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED! However, I sincerely feel my choices were God ordained. Looking back, I would not have changed a thing! Nothing. I am the woman I am today because of my past choices, both good and bad; my actions, both right and wrong. THANK GOD for His forgiveness and grace!!
And now....I stand again at that same place, except I lack the courage I once felt. I feel fragile and defenseless. As a person who normally has it all together, these feelings are so foreign to me. I pray against bitterness, but I feel it attempting to take root.
I am positive there are lessons for me to learn. I trust God to teach me, day by day. Even as I sleep at night and lay myself down in Jesus arms, I trust Him to show me His plans.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Tucker
I don't think I've ever written about my buddy, Tucker. Tucker came into my life soon after Andy did. I wish I could say it was love at first sight, but, since all Tucker knew was time alone with Andy, he didn't like to share Andy. There were some jealousy issues to overcome, and even to this day, we are still working on some things. I have to admit, I called him "Tucker, with an 'F'" for the longest time.
However, in the past 2 years, I have grown very fond of Tucker. I understand why people say dogs are mans best friends. Tucker always comes to greet me at the end of a long day. He listens to me when I need to talk, no matter if its 3:00 am, AND he never shares what we talk about. He sleeps under the covers with me at night and helps me feel safe. Tucker follows me everywhere I go in the house; we are inseperable. Tucker even has his own Facebook page. :)
I love Tucker.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Orphans / Widows / Homeless / Loveless
James 1:27 NIV Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
I had read this passage before, but never in the Message. I found it absolutely beautiful. Take a peek:
James 26-27 The Message: Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world.
I want real. I want to crush the fake masks that parade up and down the aisles of our churches. However, I stand GUILTY of one who has worn a mask at times. A mask of false identity. "How are you Jody?" "Oh, just fine," I smile, although inside I am aching.
My former husband, my children's father, has died. Am I now called a widow and they termed orphans? Through the tragedy of this situation I have been introduced to people I normally would have never known. The world calls these dear ones homeless. By the sheer grace of God, I have been honored to share a meal and sit beside these precious ones in church. I count it a privilege.
In the above passages, God refers to orphans and widows, homeless and loveless in the same scripture references. I wholeheartdly ask myself what do these have in common? And, in turn, how are they like me?
Although, I am remarried, by some standards, I could be considered a widow in some people's eyes. Although, some of my new precious friends don't live in a home made of wood and steel, by some standards those dear ones are considered homeless. I BEG TO DIFFER -- If we are God's Children, bought with a price, GOD CALLS US EACH BY NAME! He knows the number of hairs on our heads! If He knows if a single sparrow falls to the ground, we are considered PRECIOUS in His sight!! We are adopted into His family.
One thing I've learned through this process is to be careful what labels I place on people. God is challenging me to look through His eyes and to see what He sees. Beauty, Love, Child, Friend, Worth...and His list goes on and on...
May my heart always be such a tender place...
I had read this passage before, but never in the Message. I found it absolutely beautiful. Take a peek:
James 26-27 The Message: Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world.
I want real. I want to crush the fake masks that parade up and down the aisles of our churches. However, I stand GUILTY of one who has worn a mask at times. A mask of false identity. "How are you Jody?" "Oh, just fine," I smile, although inside I am aching.
My former husband, my children's father, has died. Am I now called a widow and they termed orphans? Through the tragedy of this situation I have been introduced to people I normally would have never known. The world calls these dear ones homeless. By the sheer grace of God, I have been honored to share a meal and sit beside these precious ones in church. I count it a privilege.
In the above passages, God refers to orphans and widows, homeless and loveless in the same scripture references. I wholeheartdly ask myself what do these have in common? And, in turn, how are they like me?
Although, I am remarried, by some standards, I could be considered a widow in some people's eyes. Although, some of my new precious friends don't live in a home made of wood and steel, by some standards those dear ones are considered homeless. I BEG TO DIFFER -- If we are God's Children, bought with a price, GOD CALLS US EACH BY NAME! He knows the number of hairs on our heads! If He knows if a single sparrow falls to the ground, we are considered PRECIOUS in His sight!! We are adopted into His family.
One thing I've learned through this process is to be careful what labels I place on people. God is challenging me to look through His eyes and to see what He sees. Beauty, Love, Child, Friend, Worth...and His list goes on and on...
May my heart always be such a tender place...
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Grief
Grief. There, I said it. The loss of a loved one. The death of former husband. However, a month ago, I really didn't know what it was nor the feelings that would come along as a result.
Grief has no time limits; no push buttons; no on/off switch. I've given myself the permission to grieve at any time, day or night. My feelings are my feelings. Grief takes no shape or no boundary. I feel what I feel, no more - no less.
I have found that in the midst of grieving, my level of compassion has deepened. The intense love that I hold for people far outweighs anything I thought I had ever known or felt before. As I have honestly felt God holding me in His hand at times, a burning desire has ignited inside me to share His love with others.
Jesus' death changed our world and paid for my sins. Jay's death is challenging me personally. I have been studying Heaven. I am amazed at how very little I know about the place. I continue to believe that God is preparing me for the place He has prepared for me.
In the meantime, as far as preparations go, I will love as He loves. The rest will take care of itself...for LOVE conquers all!!
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:38-39
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Do you hear what I hear??
Sounds are all around us each and everyday. Lately, I’ve been more aware of sounds than ever before. The sound of my cat purring as I rub his chin, the sound of the boys’ laughter as it swells from the basement, the sound of the garage door when someone is a few minutes late coming home, the sound of Andy snoring while he is sleeping peacefully. Sounds I used to dismiss and pay no attention to, I am becoming evermore aware of.
The sound of one of my precious boys thanking me for fixing dinner, the sound of the guitar as it is played and practiced upon by one that I love, the sound of my phone ringing as a friend calls.
In one of the many cards we received from the past few weeks, there was a familiar scripture, “Be still and know that I am God.” Honestly, at the time I read this scripture it really pissed me off (can I say that??) Be STILL?? I sure felt still. I felt helpless, powerless, weak, and vulnerable. My mind raced a hundred miles an hour. However…be STILL? As time has gone by, my attitude and feelings have changed, I have found that STILLNESS as I have quieted myself inwardly. I really can hear the intended still sounds, the sweet sound of His still, small voice. Peace. Laughter. The garage door. The cat purring. Friendship. Love. Life.
What are you listening to?
The sound of one of my precious boys thanking me for fixing dinner, the sound of the guitar as it is played and practiced upon by one that I love, the sound of my phone ringing as a friend calls.
In one of the many cards we received from the past few weeks, there was a familiar scripture, “Be still and know that I am God.” Honestly, at the time I read this scripture it really pissed me off (can I say that??) Be STILL?? I sure felt still. I felt helpless, powerless, weak, and vulnerable. My mind raced a hundred miles an hour. However…be STILL? As time has gone by, my attitude and feelings have changed, I have found that STILLNESS as I have quieted myself inwardly. I really can hear the intended still sounds, the sweet sound of His still, small voice. Peace. Laughter. The garage door. The cat purring. Friendship. Love. Life.
What are you listening to?
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Change...
Wow, So much has changed since my last update here. I don't even know if anyone blogs anymore. Nonetheless, writing is like a therapy for me. I've been through enough therapy in my life to know that with therapy comes healing, so (deep breath), my therapy is beginning...again.
Jay passed away. Reports say that it was carbon monoxide poisioning. As hard as that is to wrap my mind around, the thought of peaceful sleep brings solice. The circumstances surrounding his death have brought about a media freenzy. Reporters even showed up at the memorial service.
Having never dealt with grief on this level, at one week and 3 days under my belt at the time of this writing, I do agree with others that time does help. Still, it is hard.
My new husband, Andy, is such a dear man. Who would have thought that after a year and a half of marriage, we would be walking through this? The boys are dealing with their own set of feelings. Together, we are studying "Heaven" and what a beautiful place that is. Also, in Jay's honor, we are preparing a city-wide coat/blanket outreach.
Life, as we all have known it, has changed. In a way, time has sped up but also there are moments where time has ticked and ticked, and minute by minute we have just survived the day.
All in all, I KNOW God has a plan....still!
Jay passed away. Reports say that it was carbon monoxide poisioning. As hard as that is to wrap my mind around, the thought of peaceful sleep brings solice. The circumstances surrounding his death have brought about a media freenzy. Reporters even showed up at the memorial service.
Having never dealt with grief on this level, at one week and 3 days under my belt at the time of this writing, I do agree with others that time does help. Still, it is hard.
My new husband, Andy, is such a dear man. Who would have thought that after a year and a half of marriage, we would be walking through this? The boys are dealing with their own set of feelings. Together, we are studying "Heaven" and what a beautiful place that is. Also, in Jay's honor, we are preparing a city-wide coat/blanket outreach.
Life, as we all have known it, has changed. In a way, time has sped up but also there are moments where time has ticked and ticked, and minute by minute we have just survived the day.
All in all, I KNOW God has a plan....still!
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