Turning the page ... gracefully

I’m blogging again.  Not because my life is in disarray – but because it is peaceful – and in the midst of peaceful, there comes a time when the water is still and things you thought were buried deep begin to rise to the surface.  I find such solace in writing, in setting words free, so (deep breath), here I am picking up my pen. 

When I think about where my life used to be and where I am today, and I can’t help but feel my eyes moisten with gratitude.  I am truly thankful for my journey.  However, sometimes I think I focus too much on the journey and destination, that I miss some of the day to day.  

So, today:  

 

I find myself in a season of  "to be."  

 My boys are grown (that thought in itself is stirs some hefty emotions).  In just 16 days I will be gifted with a "daughter" as my firstborn is getting married!!  I always thought I'd have a girl - now I know that's her!  This dear girl is an absolute delight  -  She is the perfect answer to my prayers.

 
    



Let me just share it like this - my son is getting MARRIED - and I am so excited!!  This is one of the most important life decisions and an absolutely beautiful passage!  Nonetheless, as a mother, I feel as I'm experiencing a passage too.  I'm not sure how to name it;  I just know there is a tender place inside me filled with an unsettled anxiousness about my next chapter:  What will my life look like?  Will I be a good "mother-in-love"?  Have I taught my precious son all I can??


Reflecting is so delicate.  I often look back and wonder about the example I have been.  You see, life doesn't always unfold the way we plan.  I take inventory of my life and realize that I am indeed in an amazing place - a beautiful place - a safe place.  I am surrounded by delightful people who love & encourage me. 



And, I have grown two wonderful men - and they have grown me!  Therefore, I will indeed turn this page ... with God's grace.  

Quiet Places

First off, I apologize for not writing for awhile.  It's been a quiet season.  Ever have a season like that?  It's not been for lack of excitement, let me tell ya. Quite the rearranging has taken place in our lives.  We graduated our baby and sent him off to college, which naturally caused a rearrangement process to take place in our home, which, in turn, God used to create a rearrangement in our lives.  BE STILL and KNOW HE IS GOD - has been the underlying sound throughout this season.  Though the past few months have been quiet, I believe there has been Kingdom purpose in the stillness.

Through much prayer, we changed churches.  Hard as it was to leave familiar friends and family we had called home for almost 20 years, we felt God moving us.  However, because I had never experienced this change first hand, I was not prepared for the emotional wrecking that came along with a decision like this.  There is a sense of well being that comes from 'belonging' to a place, and as that became unsettled, a compassion for those those who have experienced 'church change' before began to birth.  Gulp -- I never knew there were so many emotions.  Walking into different churches, AS A VISITING CHRISTIAN, there were times I felt like a church whore.  And, truthfully, where can you share those raw, honest feelings?  Your intent is not to hurt anyone; not the precious people at the church you left, nor the precious people who are doing their best to welcome you at the church you are visiting, so you don't share, you can't share, you won't share...

With all these swirling emotions and changes occurring in my life, there was yet one constant:  my God didn't change.  Each day He woke me up and we communed together.  He assured me through His Word that He had plans for my life, that His future plans were good and hope filled.  He promised He would restore the joy of my salvation.  He started a good work in me almost 20 years ago and the book says He is faithful to complete it.  Friends, I believe He is doing just that.


It may seem like it has been a quiet season.  Maybe there hasn't been as much visual surface growth as I'd have liked, but I believe under the surface, there is a stirring.  A year and a half ago, I wrote a blog entitled Field of Dreams about a reoccurring dream I had about a field being burnt off.  As I reread that blog, with tears in my eyes, it is apparent God uses painful experiences to take me deeper in teaching me about compassion.  I read the words there, "I never knew..." and realized I had written those exact words here in this blog as well.  He is teaching me, growing me, stretching me and through prayer, grace and love I will grow.  


I feel I've been through a lot in my 39 years of living.  It is my desire to become better, not bitter; humble, not proud; patient and kind, not jealous or rude.  I realize I have a long way to go but I also realize, that I am on a great track.  Thank you, dear friends, for loving me, through all the stuff!  

Musical Chairs & Piano Keys

Do you remember playing musical chairs as a kid; walking 'round and 'round in a circle until the music stopped and then scrambling to find a seat amidst the commotion?  My life seems very similar to this right now.   

 
I feel as if I'm standing alone as the music in this dance called life has abruptly stopped.  However, because I have a relationship with the Music Maker, I know God is with me, to guide & teach me, even when this life deeply hurts. 


So many situations are going on, I feel as if I'm riding a roller coaster.  I could do this and that in an effort to fix some of the issues at hand, yet some things are totally out of my control.  His Word encourages me and says, "and after you have done everything, to stand."   Okay ... but, what does that mean - to stand?? 

1. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist (Eph. 6:14)
2. You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free (John. 8:32)
3. Once you are free, you are free indeed (John 8:36)
4. Stand firm and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery (Gal. 5:1)

I read yesterday about the keys on a piano.  If we liken life as to piano keys, we could think of the white keys as joyful and the black keys like sorrow.  Any musician knows that the black notes make music too.  The black notes are used to play songs too.  God is indeed the Music Maker and because of the relationship we have with Him, we can be assured that He will work together all things for good to and for those that love Him. 





And back to those memories of musical chairs and comparing it to life, walking in what feels like the same circle over and over.  And then, that unexpected moment when the music abruptly stops playing and chaos breaks out as everyone struggles over a chair.  I find that if I turn my eyes away from the chaos, I notice that not too far off in the distance, a place has been prepared for me; over by still waters and green meadows, a chair, just for me, has been left open with promises of rest. 

It is from this resting place, I will once again listen for the music...