The Pain of Change

My family and I are avid roller coaster riders. We were blessed on this vacation to have opportunity to go to two different parks in Ohio that have many of the largest and fastest roller coasters in the world. The first day at one park, we rode coaster after coaster and had so much fun, even though most of our time was spent in line waiting. One of the longest lines was for this coaster called, "Millennium Force." As we raced into the corral (you know, the hurry up and wait technique), an employee at the entrance called out to me, "Ma'am, have you ridden Millennium Force yet this season?" I stopped and replied, "no". She then asked, "would you try out the chair for me" and motioned for me to have a seat in a replica of the seat for the ride.

I didn't know what to think, but as I sat down, I felt all eyes on me. She asked me to buckle the seat belt. It was at this time that I realized what I was doing in that chair. As I held the seatbelt in my hand, it ended c-l-o-s-e to where it should fasten, but it did not easily buckle around me. I'm sure I could have pushed and prodded, but honestly, that thought didn't make me feel too safe. So, I quickly got up from that chair and elected not to ride that particular ride. I sent my family on to the ride and for the next couple hours, God and I talked about what had just happened. Out of our conversation came this thought:


"When the pain of change hurts more than the pain of staying the same, most will just remain the same!"


There are hidden areas of our lives that we can keep secret from others, but God always knows. There are also areas in our lives that we try to keep secret, but our "secret" eventually gets out. For me at the amusement park that day, I could have gone on pretending that I hadn't gained weight, at least for the 1-1/2 hour wait in line before I had to get into the ride, but who was I kidding? Truth always wins!!



In sharing that, the Lord is also encouraging me to be more transparent and to share another struggle I dealt with on this trip. During our vacation, as our family continued "meshing" back together, I struggled with turning over control. Needless to say, one night I failed miserably and acted totally inapproiately. I made a decision to pick up chains that the Lord had delivered me from. In the process, I hurt my husband and my family deeply. I am not proud of my actions in the least.


Since then, I have asked for forgiveness, from my God, and then from my family. I know I am forgiven, but I struggle with forgiving myself. Some of my thoughts are, "How could I, a mature believer, return to horrible, old patterns of sin?" "I knew things would be difficult, but I thought I was the stable one!"


Much like waiting for my family on the roller coaster that day, God and I again began to talk. The Lord encouraged me to humble myself and share what happened with a few other Christians. He used these precious people to speak His truths into my life. He began to show me that I had areas pride buried in my heart. Pride like, "How could I, (holy and righteous that I am), choose to do again fall like this?" He reminded me of the scripture (Isaiah 64:6) that says, "all our righteous acts are like filthy rags".

My friends asked me if I felt condemnation or if I felt conviction. I never really understood the difference until it was explained to me this way: "Condemnation says that I AM WRONG; Conviction says the behavior is wrong." I relate to Romans 7:20 that says, "Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."



What about you? Are there areas in your life that you, too, want to change? Do you have hidden or secret sins? The Bible says in James 5:16 that we are to "confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." You don't have to continue in the pain of staying the same. Change is possible.