C.S. Lewis writes that "No one ever told that grief felt so like fear." I can attest to that. Recently, in sorting through memories of my heart, I've found similar hidden feelings that connect one to another. I believe divorce and death are closely related. However, in my situation, I choose one experience (divorce) and the other experience (death) I found myself dealt.
Its hard to leave a person that you love so much. It's hard to share more than half of your life with someone, believing the best, not looking back, forgiving the past, trusting God, having faith, yet .... divorcing. However, when safety, provision, and wise counsel trumped my feelings, it was decision time. I was sad. I was beyond sad. I knew this man loved me, and I loved him, yet boundaries had to be placed. It broke my heart to look our beautiful children in the eyes and tell them their father and I were getting divorced. The sleepless nights and waves of emotions came at me. Fear tried to take root. I still loved him, but I could not allow this for our future. We were toxic for each other. It just didn't work out.
Day by day, the tears subsided and the hole in my heart scabbed over. I began to eventually learn to enjoy the peace I had prayed for, although at first I did not know how to react to it. I learned that "1" was a whole number again. The boys and I began to rebuild. God showed me what it was like to be a princess, to be loved, cherished, and treasured. God taught me that I was capable of love and that I could love again. It wasn't long before God blessed me with my prince. THANK GOD that He knows what He's doing. His timing is perfect (at times I question the timing, but He is always on time).
Now, back to the story about grief .... this man, my former husband, that I prayed for, believed in, and longed to see healed, died. He was 37 years old. We were divorced when he died. I got the phone call while at work on December 27. We hadn't spoke for weeks prior and our last conversation probably wasn't the most pleasant; I'm thankful I honestly don't remember it. It broke my heart to look our beautiful children in the eyes and tell them their father died. They did NOTHING to deserve this. The sleepless nights and waves of emotions came at me yet again. Fear tried to take root. I still love him, but he is gone. His journey here is over, yet his story lives on.
So, whether our experience with grief finds us at the end of a relationship due to our own choosing, or in the finality of a death, the bottom line is, grief sucks. Through grief we are faced with tough decisions, hurt hearts, raw emotions and pain. Sometimes my heart feels like it cannot handle another painful moment, but to experience love we have to be willing to take chances, to risk being vulnerable, and to open ourselves up to others.
I love people so this is a chance I'm willing to take. Will I take a risk and love ... then there might come a time I will have to face grief again. Until then, I will enjoy the beauty of the moment and take every day as it comes. Love conquers all, even grief!
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