Part of me wants to write this post without using any punctuation just to help express how my mind feels inside today. Because I'm writer, there is no way I could write that way. So, as my mother encouraged me to do as a young girl, I'll use my words instead. My mind feels unsettled, running on empty, unkept, unraveled. I find myself talking to perfect strangers because I find similiarties in our stories. I am so very thankful for their openness to share with me. Even at the risk of being termed a freak, I will continue to reach out.
I hurt. Deeply. Until yesterday I had honestly found no one who closely could relate to any of my circumstances. I mean seriously - I don't see myself sharing this story at a widows meeting. My former husband died. We'd been divorced 3 years. I'm now 1-1/2 years happily married to a wonderful man who is also processing and leading; untimely death is almost unbearable.
I cared about my former husband so much but because of his actions had to utilize boundaries. The question someone asked and wrote on an online forum, "If he had a family, why was he living in a homeless area?" attempts to haunt me as I sleep.
As I had to remind people when I remarried the man a second time, YES, I REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED! However, I sincerely feel my choices were God ordained. Looking back, I would not have changed a thing! Nothing. I am the woman I am today because of my past choices, both good and bad; my actions, both right and wrong. THANK GOD for His forgiveness and grace!!
And now....I stand again at that same place, except I lack the courage I once felt. I feel fragile and defenseless. As a person who normally has it all together, these feelings are so foreign to me. I pray against bitterness, but I feel it attempting to take root.
I am positive there are lessons for me to learn. I trust God to teach me, day by day. Even as I sleep at night and lay myself down in Jesus arms, I trust Him to show me His plans.
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